Dear Bill-
You know after knowing you for all these years its almost hard to believe that we rarely talk... We've been friends since before we knew what the word actually meant. I guess its been a little weird in the last few years. Our lives have turned out so different from what we dreamed as kids... Lol Remember you were going to be the next Michael Jordan... and I was going to be dancing with the Harlem Ballet. I remember talking about it for what seemed like hours on end underneath the berry bush outside of Pastor's house. We would sneak and pick the berries, eat them and talk about how fun it would be to be a grown up. Then Rob would come up punch me in the arm and we were all off and running. Those were the days.
Its funny our parents always though you and I would end up married one day and never hesitated to remind us of that every single day. Probably why we never actually ended up dating. When your parents try to force something on you... its rebellion time. I don't actually know why we fell off, but I miss you friend. I still remember coming back home and realizing that our berry bush had been cut down. I got a little sad, I looked at the stump and just remembered you and sitting under there. Just enjoying the summer days. Wow that seems like such a long time ago. Can you believe we're 30... OMG remember when you would tease me about being older than me... Like it mattered it was only 6 weeks... buddy.
I know we saw each other last year but we didn't keep in touch like we promised. I just want to have another one of those days... like when we were little. Innocently sitting under the rasberry
bush, sneaking, eating and talking.... I miss it.
Tisiphani
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
30 letters, 30 days... Day 13-Someone you've drifted away from.
I've been around but not really. I've been the person everyone expected me to be and that lead me away from you. How could I ever do that when I loved you so much? Truth be told you were everything that I wanted to be. Smart, beautiful, assertive, and so damn determined to get what you want out of life.
There were times when I was amazed just at the way you carried yourself. Head held high no matter what life threw at you. Even in the hardest of times you never let the world know what was going on. I loved how when others would try to tear you down you would come up with a beautiful rebuttal... a rebuttal so well put that the person going against you could only hug you in response. The true beauty of you shined through and negativity didn't even seem to affect you. I loved that about you.
In writing this letter I'm hoping that I am able to find you again. Never was I so lost and hurt until the day I lost you.. The true essence of me. Tisiphani you are not lost only suppressed by the expectations you're putting on yourself. Sweetie its time to release those self given shackles and return to the true essence of self. The only person who can return you to the person you really are is you. I look forward to seeing you again when I look into the mirror.
Welcome back love,
Woman in the Mirror
There were times when I was amazed just at the way you carried yourself. Head held high no matter what life threw at you. Even in the hardest of times you never let the world know what was going on. I loved how when others would try to tear you down you would come up with a beautiful rebuttal... a rebuttal so well put that the person going against you could only hug you in response. The true beauty of you shined through and negativity didn't even seem to affect you. I loved that about you.
In writing this letter I'm hoping that I am able to find you again. Never was I so lost and hurt until the day I lost you.. The true essence of me. Tisiphani you are not lost only suppressed by the expectations you're putting on yourself. Sweetie its time to release those self given shackles and return to the true essence of self. The only person who can return you to the person you really are is you. I look forward to seeing you again when I look into the mirror.
Welcome back love,
Woman in the Mirror
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
30 Letters in 30 Days... Day 13- To someone I wish I could forgive
Person I wish I could forgive:
We were friends for a very long time. I still remember the day I met you. My mother and I decided to head down to the lake front. At that time the water was really dirty so no one actually got in, instead they just played on the beach. For some reason you spotted me... walk over and asked if I wanted to play volley ball. I reluctantly agreed, and when you saw how horrible I was you didn't even laugh. You just pulled me aside and showed me how to spike the ball. That was the beginning of our friendship... and just the beginning of my troubles.
Maybe I should have realized then just how charming you were, or told myself that a man shouldn't be paying this much attention to a young girl. Still I was enjoying the attention. I had never really had a boy let alone a man pay me much attention. Usually when it comes to playing sports I'm never picked, and tend to only watch from the sidelines. I was a disaster so people wouldn't even waste their time trying to teach me anything. So when you came along I was immediately taken.
From then on you kept in touch with me, making sure to closely follow my parents rules, bringing me home on time, not staying on the phone too late and always being polite when you would come over. I was 12 and you were 17. Truth be told you looked a lot younger so its no surprise you fooled my parents. For the next few months you played the role of a perfect friend. Coming around to share a game of Nintendo, playing softball at the park and even taking in a few of my dance recitals.
Then my life changed forever... You told my mom you got your license and would drive me home... She trusted you and so did I. Instead of going straight home we stopped by Kits a local ice cream parlor, then headed home... or so I thought. You drove right past my block to a dark alley. Reached over and kissed me. I thought I was in heaven, it was my first kiss. Then you grabbed my shirt and ripped it off my just developing body... I was confused and terrified. I screamed for you to stop only to be met by your fist in my face. You hit me... I didn't know what to do so I cried... I just cried. The next 20 or so minutes seemed like a lifetime. My virginity was stolen. I thought my parents would hate me, God would punish me and my life would never be the same. I was right about one thing my life was never the same after that.
I kept quiet for so long, my parents were asking why you never came over anymore. I met their inquiries with anger lashing out destroying anything I could get my hands on. My parents had no idea what was going on, I quit dancing because it made me think of that night. I turned from everything I knew that reminded me of that night and of you. Then the scariest day of my life... I saw you again. I came home from school and you were in the living room with my mother telling her you missed me and couldn't wait to see me. I lost it, hitting you with everything I could pick up and screaming about that night all at the same time. My mother realized what happened and call the police. You were arrested, but since I didn't report it earlier, they let you go. Out of jail on lack of evidence. They needed physical evidence to put you in jail. The fact that my innocence had been stolen meant nothing to the law.
I only want to say I will never forgive you... I hate you and everything you are. God have mercy on my soul for the anger in my heart. Truthfully I hope you go straight to hell with gasoline drawers, smoking a cigarette and holding a gas powered lantern.
Fcuk you in the azz with no lube...
Tisiphani
PS... This story is totally false. I couldn't come up with a situation or person that I just can't forgive. So I thought about a situation where I knew forgiveness would be damn near impossible... rape. Rape is a very serious situation, if you have been assaulted you are not alone there is help out there. Don't be ashamed of what happened tell someone immediately. Go to the hospital, there are no judgements only people who want to help you.
Rainn National Rape Crisis Hot line: 800-656-4673
National Youth Crisis Hot line: 800-442-HOPE
These folks will direct you to counselors in your area.
We were friends for a very long time. I still remember the day I met you. My mother and I decided to head down to the lake front. At that time the water was really dirty so no one actually got in, instead they just played on the beach. For some reason you spotted me... walk over and asked if I wanted to play volley ball. I reluctantly agreed, and when you saw how horrible I was you didn't even laugh. You just pulled me aside and showed me how to spike the ball. That was the beginning of our friendship... and just the beginning of my troubles.
Maybe I should have realized then just how charming you were, or told myself that a man shouldn't be paying this much attention to a young girl. Still I was enjoying the attention. I had never really had a boy let alone a man pay me much attention. Usually when it comes to playing sports I'm never picked, and tend to only watch from the sidelines. I was a disaster so people wouldn't even waste their time trying to teach me anything. So when you came along I was immediately taken.
From then on you kept in touch with me, making sure to closely follow my parents rules, bringing me home on time, not staying on the phone too late and always being polite when you would come over. I was 12 and you were 17. Truth be told you looked a lot younger so its no surprise you fooled my parents. For the next few months you played the role of a perfect friend. Coming around to share a game of Nintendo, playing softball at the park and even taking in a few of my dance recitals.
Then my life changed forever... You told my mom you got your license and would drive me home... She trusted you and so did I. Instead of going straight home we stopped by Kits a local ice cream parlor, then headed home... or so I thought. You drove right past my block to a dark alley. Reached over and kissed me. I thought I was in heaven, it was my first kiss. Then you grabbed my shirt and ripped it off my just developing body... I was confused and terrified. I screamed for you to stop only to be met by your fist in my face. You hit me... I didn't know what to do so I cried... I just cried. The next 20 or so minutes seemed like a lifetime. My virginity was stolen. I thought my parents would hate me, God would punish me and my life would never be the same. I was right about one thing my life was never the same after that.
I kept quiet for so long, my parents were asking why you never came over anymore. I met their inquiries with anger lashing out destroying anything I could get my hands on. My parents had no idea what was going on, I quit dancing because it made me think of that night. I turned from everything I knew that reminded me of that night and of you. Then the scariest day of my life... I saw you again. I came home from school and you were in the living room with my mother telling her you missed me and couldn't wait to see me. I lost it, hitting you with everything I could pick up and screaming about that night all at the same time. My mother realized what happened and call the police. You were arrested, but since I didn't report it earlier, they let you go. Out of jail on lack of evidence. They needed physical evidence to put you in jail. The fact that my innocence had been stolen meant nothing to the law.
I only want to say I will never forgive you... I hate you and everything you are. God have mercy on my soul for the anger in my heart. Truthfully I hope you go straight to hell with gasoline drawers, smoking a cigarette and holding a gas powered lantern.
Fcuk you in the azz with no lube...
Tisiphani
PS... This story is totally false. I couldn't come up with a situation or person that I just can't forgive. So I thought about a situation where I knew forgiveness would be damn near impossible... rape. Rape is a very serious situation, if you have been assaulted you are not alone there is help out there. Don't be ashamed of what happened tell someone immediately. Go to the hospital, there are no judgements only people who want to help you.
Rainn National Rape Crisis Hot line: 800-656-4673
National Youth Crisis Hot line: 800-442-HOPE
These folks will direct you to counselors in your area.
30 letters, 30 days... Day 12-To someone who caused me a lot of pain
I knew when I started these letters a few of them would be very hard to write and even harder to publish. Still I decided to press on in order to purge myself of any ill feelings and begin a healing process. I am a Christian which means I am supposed to forgive those who have done me harm and turn the other cheek. At the same time I am human and flawed, so please don't judge me. I would prefer you pray for me and ask God to help heal my heart...
To my one time mentor:
I must admit I've been harboring these ill feelings for some time now. I looked to you for advice, guidance, prayer and encouragement. I held you in high regards as a person who would always be in my corner. For years you provided me with just that, but those were the good times. When the chips were stacked up in my favor. I will admit I even gave you some credit as my success seemed eminent... But something changed. When things went south... you went away. Our friendship, partnership and relationship dissipated.
I still to this day don't understand how that was possible, out of everyone involved in the situation I expected you to HAVE MY BACK. Instead you retreated, took my loss and immediately went into CYA mood. How could you leave me standing alone, and holding onto the burden that you could have helped me to bare. I didn't expect much just a firm hand to hold as I battle my way back to the top. Instead I reached out for you and got a door slammed in my face.
I have forgiven you... even told you to your face how upset I was at the time. I also appreciate your apologies. We both made mistakes and are now realizing how those mistakes have affected the other person. So lets work to get past this pain, reconnect and try harder to understand each other. I'm not sure if our mentor/mentee relationship will ever be as strong as it use to be but I still respect you for what you do.
Tisiphani
We all fall... But I know the true key to life is learning to get back up.
To my one time mentor:
I must admit I've been harboring these ill feelings for some time now. I looked to you for advice, guidance, prayer and encouragement. I held you in high regards as a person who would always be in my corner. For years you provided me with just that, but those were the good times. When the chips were stacked up in my favor. I will admit I even gave you some credit as my success seemed eminent... But something changed. When things went south... you went away. Our friendship, partnership and relationship dissipated.
I still to this day don't understand how that was possible, out of everyone involved in the situation I expected you to HAVE MY BACK. Instead you retreated, took my loss and immediately went into CYA mood. How could you leave me standing alone, and holding onto the burden that you could have helped me to bare. I didn't expect much just a firm hand to hold as I battle my way back to the top. Instead I reached out for you and got a door slammed in my face.
I have forgiven you... even told you to your face how upset I was at the time. I also appreciate your apologies. We both made mistakes and are now realizing how those mistakes have affected the other person. So lets work to get past this pain, reconnect and try harder to understand each other. I'm not sure if our mentor/mentee relationship will ever be as strong as it use to be but I still respect you for what you do.
Tisiphani
We all fall... But I know the true key to life is learning to get back up.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
30 letters, 30 days... Day 11-- To a deceased person-Lorenzo G. Stewart, Jr. RIP
Lord please don't let me cry on this one...
Dear Lorenzo:
The man who taught me that love endures all. The day I found out you died had to be the worst day of my life to date. I still remember telling my mother you hadn't called to let me know you arrived in Tennessee. I got up and called your phone but no answer, so I called your sister. "Happy Christmas Eve. Where is that brother of yours? He hasn't called me today and that's not like him..." What she said next made my heart stop and my knees buckle. "Tisiphani I meant to call you sooner but I didn't know how. Lorenzo never made it... There was an accident." I don't remember exactly what happened after that... Just my brother lifting me up off the ground, screaming at me to tell him what was wrong.... I couldn't talk, couldn't understand, couldn't believe that you were GONE.
It couldn't be... after 8 years we'd finally gotten our act together, and decided that we would be together from now on. We were supposed to spend Christmas with our parents and New Years together... But the New Year never came. Not for me... not that year. I'd lost you, God took you from me and I was so angry. I think I was more upset because I fell asleep and missed that final phone call from you, the one where you said you're almost there and would call as soon as you arrived. The last message you ever left me said... "I love you."
It took a long time for me to accept that you were gone. Your family helped though. When I arrived for your funeral they showered me with love. Accepted me as family and wiped away my tears, even though they were hurting too. I didn't even want to go back to school but mom said Lorenzo wouldn't want you to sit here crying your life away. He didn't make it, but you did. So now you need to live. I buckled down in school and became a true book worm. Changed my major and excelled in everything. I actually made the dean's list for the rest of my time in college. Partly because I just needed to keep busy and focus on something other than the fact that I lost the love I thought would be with me forever.
I've been in relationships since you've passed. Even found myself in love. Yet the best thing that has happened to me is I'm a mommy now. Remember you told me I would be a great mom... I think I'm doing pretty good. I still have yet to find the man to spend the rest of my life with. But I'm open to the possibility. For years after you died I swore I wouldn't fall for another man... I couldn't get married if my name wasn't going to be Mrs. Lorenzo G. Stewart, Jr. For some reason God decided to continue blessing me through my anger, and showed me that love doesn't die. That it was okay to still love you, remember you as long as I lived the life He gave me. So that's what I do... I live life to the fullest. I may do somethings that others look at as a little crazy, but life can be sooo short.
I wanted to let you know I'm alright now. Blessed and in a good place. I know that your in a better place, and as happy as we could have been together it doesn't even compare to how happy you are now. I know that all our time together wasn't the happiest, but those are the times I choose to remember. Every once in a while I still go through your letters... But I no longer cry looking at them. I smile and remember the love.
RIP My love,
Tisiphani
Dear Lorenzo:
The man who taught me that love endures all. The day I found out you died had to be the worst day of my life to date. I still remember telling my mother you hadn't called to let me know you arrived in Tennessee. I got up and called your phone but no answer, so I called your sister. "Happy Christmas Eve. Where is that brother of yours? He hasn't called me today and that's not like him..." What she said next made my heart stop and my knees buckle. "Tisiphani I meant to call you sooner but I didn't know how. Lorenzo never made it... There was an accident." I don't remember exactly what happened after that... Just my brother lifting me up off the ground, screaming at me to tell him what was wrong.... I couldn't talk, couldn't understand, couldn't believe that you were GONE.
It couldn't be... after 8 years we'd finally gotten our act together, and decided that we would be together from now on. We were supposed to spend Christmas with our parents and New Years together... But the New Year never came. Not for me... not that year. I'd lost you, God took you from me and I was so angry. I think I was more upset because I fell asleep and missed that final phone call from you, the one where you said you're almost there and would call as soon as you arrived. The last message you ever left me said... "I love you."
It took a long time for me to accept that you were gone. Your family helped though. When I arrived for your funeral they showered me with love. Accepted me as family and wiped away my tears, even though they were hurting too. I didn't even want to go back to school but mom said Lorenzo wouldn't want you to sit here crying your life away. He didn't make it, but you did. So now you need to live. I buckled down in school and became a true book worm. Changed my major and excelled in everything. I actually made the dean's list for the rest of my time in college. Partly because I just needed to keep busy and focus on something other than the fact that I lost the love I thought would be with me forever.
I've been in relationships since you've passed. Even found myself in love. Yet the best thing that has happened to me is I'm a mommy now. Remember you told me I would be a great mom... I think I'm doing pretty good. I still have yet to find the man to spend the rest of my life with. But I'm open to the possibility. For years after you died I swore I wouldn't fall for another man... I couldn't get married if my name wasn't going to be Mrs. Lorenzo G. Stewart, Jr. For some reason God decided to continue blessing me through my anger, and showed me that love doesn't die. That it was okay to still love you, remember you as long as I lived the life He gave me. So that's what I do... I live life to the fullest. I may do somethings that others look at as a little crazy, but life can be sooo short.
I wanted to let you know I'm alright now. Blessed and in a good place. I know that your in a better place, and as happy as we could have been together it doesn't even compare to how happy you are now. I know that all our time together wasn't the happiest, but those are the times I choose to remember. Every once in a while I still go through your letters... But I no longer cry looking at them. I smile and remember the love.
RIP My love,
Tisiphani
30 letters, 30 days... Day 10- To someone I don't talk to as often as I would like --ROYCE
Someone I don't talk to as much as I would like... This one is my fault through and through I need to learn to actually talk on my phone instead of just using it as a tiny portable computer.
Dear Royce:
I don't even know how to start this letter so I'll just speak from the heart. (or type from it) I LOVE YOU! There I said it. You don't know how much of an impact you have made on my life. I really learned what a true friend and sister really is about from you. We have been through a lot together over the years and much of it I don't know if I could have gotten through it alone.
Royce you go far and beyond the definition of a friend. I still can't believe some of the things we've been through. Our friendship goes far beyond sharing the stage in some beautiful dances... Girl you know you go to bat for the people you care about, you make sure everyone else is taken care of. When I think of you I can't help but smile and sometimes cry. I remember you quickly jumping up to have my back when others seem to have let me down. You gave me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and some harsh words when I needed it. Lets just say you really know how to keep it real and give it to me straight... no chaser. LOL I appreciate that. Not to mention not having it when I lost my housing. I was about to cancel my classes, pack up my car and drive home. You told me no take my keys and stay here. You don't know how much that meant to me... Not to mention I could stay in school. I think I cried for about a week.
There were plenty of laughs and good times in those years. From being thrown into a water fountain, getting kicked out of shows the night before only to be put back in day of, to executive board meetings in your Palmetto dorm room, KART room, St. George...etc. I could go on. But I think the best memory is when I called you to reveal I was pregnant. I remember telling you that I was scared and not sure what to do... You just started laughing and I was so confused until you said... "Get this... me too!" I think that pretty much just made my day.
Although I haven't talked to you as much due to our ever so crazy schedules I know I will be doing better. And yes as soon as this dang leg heals up I will make my trip down there. My surgery (hopefully the last one this time) is done and pretty soon I will be able to travel again. So I will bring Takis down so he and Bray can meet. They are so close in age I know they'll have a ball, only thing is those 2 together could spell trouble, but I think it will be a sight to see.
L.O.L.
LOVE YOU LOTS,
Tisiphani
lets be real... its just me TiTi
Dear Royce:
I don't even know how to start this letter so I'll just speak from the heart. (or type from it) I LOVE YOU! There I said it. You don't know how much of an impact you have made on my life. I really learned what a true friend and sister really is about from you. We have been through a lot together over the years and much of it I don't know if I could have gotten through it alone.
Royce you go far and beyond the definition of a friend. I still can't believe some of the things we've been through. Our friendship goes far beyond sharing the stage in some beautiful dances... Girl you know you go to bat for the people you care about, you make sure everyone else is taken care of. When I think of you I can't help but smile and sometimes cry. I remember you quickly jumping up to have my back when others seem to have let me down. You gave me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and some harsh words when I needed it. Lets just say you really know how to keep it real and give it to me straight... no chaser. LOL I appreciate that. Not to mention not having it when I lost my housing. I was about to cancel my classes, pack up my car and drive home. You told me no take my keys and stay here. You don't know how much that meant to me... Not to mention I could stay in school. I think I cried for about a week.
There were plenty of laughs and good times in those years. From being thrown into a water fountain, getting kicked out of shows the night before only to be put back in day of, to executive board meetings in your Palmetto dorm room, KART room, St. George...etc. I could go on. But I think the best memory is when I called you to reveal I was pregnant. I remember telling you that I was scared and not sure what to do... You just started laughing and I was so confused until you said... "Get this... me too!" I think that pretty much just made my day.
Although I haven't talked to you as much due to our ever so crazy schedules I know I will be doing better. And yes as soon as this dang leg heals up I will make my trip down there. My surgery (hopefully the last one this time) is done and pretty soon I will be able to travel again. So I will bring Takis down so he and Bray can meet. They are so close in age I know they'll have a ball, only thing is those 2 together could spell trouble, but I think it will be a sight to see.
L.O.L.
LOVE YOU LOTS,
Tisiphani
lets be real... its just me TiTi
30 letters, 30 days... Day 9- Person I wish I could meet--LUAM
This by far has to be the easiest letter I'm probably going to write... My absolute favorite choreographer ever...
Dear Luam-
You are an inspiration to me. I just love your style, your creative passions and how you as an artist can paint your vision through the body of a dancer. I'm truly amazed by everything you create. I find myself watching your videos over and over; learning the movements and trying to embody the mood of the dance. I'm still trying to figure out your frame of mind when creating these wonderful works of art.
As a dancer myself I find myself wanting to hop on a plane just to participate in one of your classes. I love the fact that you let your passion move you from a corporate career into an industry that lets you express who you truly are. You inspire me to not allow the normal ways of the world stop me from doing what I love. As a choreographer our styles differ but that helps me to TRULY RESPECT the creative genius that you are.
luam.net
wildchildnation.com
youtube.com/luam
Respectfully,
Tisiphani
Dear Luam-
You are an inspiration to me. I just love your style, your creative passions and how you as an artist can paint your vision through the body of a dancer. I'm truly amazed by everything you create. I find myself watching your videos over and over; learning the movements and trying to embody the mood of the dance. I'm still trying to figure out your frame of mind when creating these wonderful works of art.
As a dancer myself I find myself wanting to hop on a plane just to participate in one of your classes. I love the fact that you let your passion move you from a corporate career into an industry that lets you express who you truly are. You inspire me to not allow the normal ways of the world stop me from doing what I love. As a choreographer our styles differ but that helps me to TRULY RESPECT the creative genius that you are.
luam.net
wildchildnation.com
youtube.com/luam
Respectfully,
Tisiphani
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
