I'm finding a different path... And I love it!

I'm finding a different path... I'm finding my way. And I love it. I realized what's really important and am going for it with full force. It took some time, and I don't really know why. But I'm starting to find that the "why" is not that important. What's important is the journey and finally the destination.

In finding my way I've discovered a few self truths... What I think of myself is the most important thing... Can I live with myself doing this? Can I live with myself for not doing that? Can I squash the self doubt, when I know I'm doing the right thing?

Of course these questions seem like no brainers, but for a people pleaser and closeted perfectionist like myself... Its really not that easy. I love to make others happy, and prove that I am the great person they think I am. But I'm doing a disservice to my self. Its not fair, and not right. So how do I move past this thing that I've implanted in my brain and move on? I take a journey that involves pleasing me, myself and I. Cause that's really all I've got in the end. To paraphrase Beyonce.

It started off simply by me deciding to go natural. Then when I thought I had a handle on things other people got in my ear. Telling me this was dumb, I look crazy, ghetto, and disheveled. This was hard for me to hear. I'm so used to everyone agreeing with me, and loving what I do. I took it hard. Especially from the people that were near and dear to my heart. Still for some reason I pressed on, even if only to prove to them this was a good idea. Somehow I turned my natural hair journey into something that was about everyone else and not me...

Then I had my son, and really lost myself. Everything I did was about him, for him and with him... Which honestly is not a bad thing. I'm a mother, and single at that. It was supposed to be about my baby. But again what about me... and what I wanted. At this point my dressing wasn't the same, my hair fell to the bottom of my to do list and my nails... HA!!! they had more chips than ever. It was ridiculous. I looked at myself in the mirror one day and didn't recognize who I'd become. I was not longer Tisiphani. I'd become, Tigger's mom... The lady with the 'fro. And my personal favorite.... That one natural chick. I'd lost my IDENTITY... and now its time for me to claim it once again.

Hence finding my way back to me... I'm still natural and I have no reservations about staying this way. I love my hair, and reflect on my reason for kicking the creamy crack. Simply put... BECAUSE I WANTED TO DAMN IT!!!

Now this is going to be an awkward transition after that... But I've found my way back to God. No I never walked away from him, I've always been a Christian although I am still human I fall sometimes. I mess up, I put the fact that I'm a child of God in the back of my mind. Wrong place for it to be. It should always be in the forefront. I need to wear it like a badge of honor. YEAH I FALL, BUT BABY I KNOW HOW TO GET BACK UP AGAIN. I look to the heavens from which cometh my help. Ask for it... and when its in his will I will have it. I trust it and believe it. With more Faith than that of a mustard seed I hold on steadfast to my belief and my GOD! Yet I realized it takes more than that; I need my relationship with God to grow. I need us to be on the same page, I need to feel closer to him, have a deeper connection. So how do I do that? I go back to school. Sunday school that is... Bible study. I seek Him. I run to Him. I chase Him. I yearn for His love.

Now for something a little more... how do I say this... SUPERFICIAL. Yeah I know, another awkward transition. Okay so how do I find my sense of style? How do I look in the mirror and recognize myself. How do I look in the mirror and be comfortable with who I see. Yeah this is about how I dress, do my hair, my nails and how I present myself. But as I journey/experiment until I once again know, I realize its about the inside. Spiritual and physical being. So I change up my eating pattern and start to work out again. (Which is a blessing considering I couldn't walk 9 months ago) I'm feeling a little better, but I'm not there yet. So I said it once and I'll say it again.... I'm finding a different path, I'm finding my way. And I love it.


Tisiphani Once Again