So I've always been told that I am "Extremely Picky" when it comes to dating... And I'll admit I really am. I love men but I'm not willing to date someone who doesn't know God, doesn't respect himself/others, and who isn't responsible enough to take care of himself... Technically that's not asking too much. But when you consider all the people that I turn down its insane.
I actually realized something the other day. I haven't dated outside my race, EVER. Not on purpose but I just haven't. I figured out that it has something to do with what my father used to say... "Make sure when you bring home kids, they're as dark as you and me." Never thought that a statement could have such an impact. He never said it to my brothers just me... over and over again... So maybe it had some psychological effect on me, that I didn't realize until now.
Now all be it I have been attracted to members of other races just never acted on it. Even been asked out a number of times, but still never pursued. But as I was talking with some of my girlfriends the other day, they just asked me... Why not taste a little sugar, or get some caramel in your life? After all many of them are married... more than a few to people who are not black. Even my white girlfriends are with black or hispanic men... Long story short we're sort of a rainbow of couples.
In actuality its really beautiful. So I decided, why not open up my options and see what bites. And just like that my "friend" asks me out. Now its funny cause I've known this guy for a while and he never said a word until now. Could he read the fact that I'm moving outside my comfort zone. I'm not sure but we'll see where this little escapade will lead.
Playing the field,
Tisiphani
Friday, August 27, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Am I a Nag?!?!
I am trying to learn how to speak to those people I find so beautiful... My counter part in this world the Black Man. Before you all start going off about how I discriminate, let me explain. My daddy is black, my brothers are black, my Papa and goddaddy are black and so is my son. So yes I have a huge place in my heart for the brotha.
With that being said I have a major problem... My MOUTH. I have such high expectations for Black men that I tend to push, and push hard. I push my brothers, son, and men I date. Its not that I am trying to get on their nerves, or even compete with them... I am really just trying to help them become the best at whatever. I understand that things can be hard, I know that the world will beat a man down until he is just a shell... but I want the men (specifically black men) in my life to know... IF NO ONE ELSE BELIEVES IN YOU... I AM HERE FOR YOU!
But I like many women have been told I can be a nag... WHAT?! This sometimes confuses me, my brothers are fine with my motivation and so are most of the men in my family... But when it comes to some of the men I date... They can not take it. If you say you're looking for a job... I'll say let me help with your resume. If you say I'm looking for a job... I'll ask where. How is that nagging? If you tell me your dream is to own your on construction business, I will say how do you plan to start.... I don't think this is nagging. To me its more of a way to get you to think about your next step. I'm not going to sugar coat BS either. If you tell me baby I'm looking for a job, yet you've been on the couch all day in your pjs... I'm going to say people don't advertise job openings on tv... Just saying. Or I'm starting my own business and you have done no research on the industry... I want to know how this is going to happen. I'm not trying to have someone sitting in my face flat out lying to me all the time...
Say what you mean and mean what you say... And don't fault me on believing you when you tell me you're going to do something. I'm just going off your word, and your word is really all you have.
Quick story -- my cousin didn't speak to me for about 2 years. All because I asked him if he liked jail...
Here's how it went down:
Me: Hey cuz glad you're out... how long you plan on being free this time
Cuz: Man I hate jail I aint trying to go back to dat Bitch..
Me: You sure? As much as you go in... I figured it was something in there you like.
Cuz: Dude whatever STFU
Me: No for real; Do you like it? You got a man in there or something... Or is it just easy to be a lazy ass cuz you're always being told what to do...
Cuz: See you on that bullshit cuz... I try to stay out, but its hard when you can't get a job and people always fucking with you.
Me: MOFO Please... you had a job at McDonad's last time you were out. Had the whole family supporting you mentally and financially. But you stole money from the safe... like you couldn't get it from any one of your peeps... Knowing you'd get caught cause they told you about the cameras... REALLY? You wanted to go back...
Cuz: FUCK YOU CUZ...
Okay so maybe that wasn't the best story... I was sort of being a sarcastic ass there... but you get my point.
So give it to me straight.... AM I A NAG?
With that being said I have a major problem... My MOUTH. I have such high expectations for Black men that I tend to push, and push hard. I push my brothers, son, and men I date. Its not that I am trying to get on their nerves, or even compete with them... I am really just trying to help them become the best at whatever. I understand that things can be hard, I know that the world will beat a man down until he is just a shell... but I want the men (specifically black men) in my life to know... IF NO ONE ELSE BELIEVES IN YOU... I AM HERE FOR YOU!
But I like many women have been told I can be a nag... WHAT?! This sometimes confuses me, my brothers are fine with my motivation and so are most of the men in my family... But when it comes to some of the men I date... They can not take it. If you say you're looking for a job... I'll say let me help with your resume. If you say I'm looking for a job... I'll ask where. How is that nagging? If you tell me your dream is to own your on construction business, I will say how do you plan to start.... I don't think this is nagging. To me its more of a way to get you to think about your next step. I'm not going to sugar coat BS either. If you tell me baby I'm looking for a job, yet you've been on the couch all day in your pjs... I'm going to say people don't advertise job openings on tv... Just saying. Or I'm starting my own business and you have done no research on the industry... I want to know how this is going to happen. I'm not trying to have someone sitting in my face flat out lying to me all the time...
Say what you mean and mean what you say... And don't fault me on believing you when you tell me you're going to do something. I'm just going off your word, and your word is really all you have.
Quick story -- my cousin didn't speak to me for about 2 years. All because I asked him if he liked jail...
Here's how it went down:
Me: Hey cuz glad you're out... how long you plan on being free this time
Cuz: Man I hate jail I aint trying to go back to dat Bitch..
Me: You sure? As much as you go in... I figured it was something in there you like.
Cuz: Dude whatever STFU
Me: No for real; Do you like it? You got a man in there or something... Or is it just easy to be a lazy ass cuz you're always being told what to do...
Cuz: See you on that bullshit cuz... I try to stay out, but its hard when you can't get a job and people always fucking with you.
Me: MOFO Please... you had a job at McDonad's last time you were out. Had the whole family supporting you mentally and financially. But you stole money from the safe... like you couldn't get it from any one of your peeps... Knowing you'd get caught cause they told you about the cameras... REALLY? You wanted to go back...
Cuz: FUCK YOU CUZ...
Okay so maybe that wasn't the best story... I was sort of being a sarcastic ass there... but you get my point.
So give it to me straight.... AM I A NAG?
Monday, August 2, 2010
Day 20... Someone who broke you heart the hardest
I knew when I wrote these letters I would have a few addressed to the same person, but here we go again. I'm again writing to my ex from Day 7.
Dear **Still not giving out his name**
This is the second time I'm writing you, since for some reason you decided to contact me. I'm not sure if you read the first letter and realized it was about you or if I was really just on your mind.
I loved you once... Hell I was head over heels in love with you. Finally I got over that hurt I felt in my heart and found a way to forgive you. Maybe it was the space, maybe it was the distance, maybe it was time... for all I know it was an act of God. Whatever it was it worked. I was done and even moved on. Then you contacted me and my head began to spin with all sorts of ideas on how we could make a relationship work. Try again for the sake of love. LOVE what am I talking about I'm over you, or so I thought.
This love crap is for the birds. It feels like I could fall in love with you all over again. Maybe its nostalgia... What I do know is that I still have love in my heart for you. I realize that above all we had way more good times than bad. Yes I wrote a list and figured that out. Even tried to doctor it a few times and make the bad outweigh the good but it doesn't and never will. That's probably why it was so hard to let you go the first time. People always say to leave the past in the past, but how can I when you continue to creep back into my life, thoughts and dreams.
Sometimes I wish that you would just leave me alone while at the same time praying that you won't. That's an effed up statement I know but you know me and my honesty. I can't help it sometimes the truth just blurts out even when it hurts me. Out of all my past relationships you're really the only person I can't keep an open friendship with, because I know where it will head... "Straight to your mother's bed." (Kidding that Biggie song just popped in my head.)
Anyway, I can't really say what I want because even I don't know. I just know this whatever will be will be. I have let go... so that I can let God.
Tisiphani
Dear **Still not giving out his name**
This is the second time I'm writing you, since for some reason you decided to contact me. I'm not sure if you read the first letter and realized it was about you or if I was really just on your mind.
I loved you once... Hell I was head over heels in love with you. Finally I got over that hurt I felt in my heart and found a way to forgive you. Maybe it was the space, maybe it was the distance, maybe it was time... for all I know it was an act of God. Whatever it was it worked. I was done and even moved on. Then you contacted me and my head began to spin with all sorts of ideas on how we could make a relationship work. Try again for the sake of love. LOVE what am I talking about I'm over you, or so I thought.
This love crap is for the birds. It feels like I could fall in love with you all over again. Maybe its nostalgia... What I do know is that I still have love in my heart for you. I realize that above all we had way more good times than bad. Yes I wrote a list and figured that out. Even tried to doctor it a few times and make the bad outweigh the good but it doesn't and never will. That's probably why it was so hard to let you go the first time. People always say to leave the past in the past, but how can I when you continue to creep back into my life, thoughts and dreams.
Sometimes I wish that you would just leave me alone while at the same time praying that you won't. That's an effed up statement I know but you know me and my honesty. I can't help it sometimes the truth just blurts out even when it hurts me. Out of all my past relationships you're really the only person I can't keep an open friendship with, because I know where it will head... "Straight to your mother's bed." (Kidding that Biggie song just popped in my head.)
Anyway, I can't really say what I want because even I don't know. I just know this whatever will be will be. I have let go... so that I can let God.
Tisiphani
Day 19... Someone that pesters you good/bad
This one I could go off on a major rant. It wouldn't be hard because I am a Baby's Momma. Honestly before you judge I don't think the term "baby momma" is a bad. Hell if I was married I would still be my baby's Momma so who cares. Instead of repeating myself check out an earlier blog I wrote before I started these letters.
In the Beginning: The Truth about Baby Momma Drama
In the Beginning: The Truth about Baby Momma Drama
Day 18... The person I wish I could be
This letter is really hard for me to write. In fact I have been going back and forth about it for a while. The person I wish I could be... First of all I don't make wishes, I pray then work my faith. For example I want to new job... I pray on it, then work on my resume, send it off, follow up with phone calls etc. I guess writing this letter is really a mute point considering I've already written a letter to myself figuring out where I may have gone wrong... So what I will do is let you in on my prayer for self... LIKE I SAID I DON'T MAKE WISHES!!!
Dear God-
It is your humble servant Tisiphani. I know I don't always do right, but I'm working on that. Please help me with my flaws and all. Lord I see myself in a certain place -- a place where I'm not and a place I don't know how to get to. I thought that by 30 I would be further in my career, opening my studio, and married with 2/3 kids. Obviously this was not in your plan for me at this time, but I figured since you keep allowing me to have the dream maybe its just delayed. I'm not sure and I don't want to put words in your mouth but I know that Faith without work is dead. So I put my faith in your Father. Help me as I work my tail off to get where I know I can be.
Dear God help me to be a better Christian, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend... As these are most important. Then Lord I ask you to touch my body and help me to be a better dancer, touch my hands and help me to be a better writer. Lord if its not too much can you also order my steps in your word... I know I can't go out and do this on my own... I need you.
Thanks JC...
Oh and by the way I have this major problem with just saying whatever I want and feel at any given time. Can you help me to hold my tongue and use a little more tact. I'm getting better, but I still have some work to do.
Amen
Dear God-
It is your humble servant Tisiphani. I know I don't always do right, but I'm working on that. Please help me with my flaws and all. Lord I see myself in a certain place -- a place where I'm not and a place I don't know how to get to. I thought that by 30 I would be further in my career, opening my studio, and married with 2/3 kids. Obviously this was not in your plan for me at this time, but I figured since you keep allowing me to have the dream maybe its just delayed. I'm not sure and I don't want to put words in your mouth but I know that Faith without work is dead. So I put my faith in your Father. Help me as I work my tail off to get where I know I can be.
Dear God help me to be a better Christian, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend... As these are most important. Then Lord I ask you to touch my body and help me to be a better dancer, touch my hands and help me to be a better writer. Lord if its not too much can you also order my steps in your word... I know I can't go out and do this on my own... I need you.
Thanks JC...
Oh and by the way I have this major problem with just saying whatever I want and feel at any given time. Can you help me to hold my tongue and use a little more tact. I'm getting better, but I still have some work to do.
Amen
Day 17... Someone from childhood
Dear Amy-
I don't know why you crossed my mind the other day, but I thought I would write to you because there was something I never understood. I never got a chance to ask....
WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN 7TH GRADE?
Okay let me back up... As kids we had a lot of fun hanging around and playing. You were one of the few people that I actually knew and hung around with in the neighborhood. It wasn't easy being the "spoiled ballerina girl" on the block. You understood where I was coming from since they often called you stuck up as you sat out side playing your clarinet. I know 7th grade was a weird time for all of us, puberty hit, we were making more friends and learning more about our art.
I remember the day you whispered "I got my period"... then your azz disappeared for like 2 weeks. Hell once a month you disappeared for at least a week. Who the hell does that? Very soon we realized what was going on, you didn't go to school when it was that time of the month, but girl you didn't even come outside. What was up with that? I would come by the house to check on you, everyone in your house was at home but ya'll wouldn't open the door. I was so confused... just wanted to tell you this ish was normal and most women go through it. Some days I just wanted to give you the homework you missed.
Then it happened your brother said you were changing schools and the family was moving away. Only that wasn't true -- you transferred but the family didn't move. You became the lonely girl on the front steps with no friends. After that it was too strange to approach you, and left you to your life.
I still feel bad sometimes when I ride past your parents house. Feel like I could have tried harder. There were so many rumors about you... but I just ignored them... refused to spread them...
Just want to say THAT WAS DUMB AS HELL to let the first year of your period cause you to fail the 7th grade... Yes I know you failed, child I was nosey as hell. All over teachers desks. All your absences caused you to fail. Who the hell does that?
Just wanted to know--
Tisiphani
I don't know why you crossed my mind the other day, but I thought I would write to you because there was something I never understood. I never got a chance to ask....
WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN 7TH GRADE?
Okay let me back up... As kids we had a lot of fun hanging around and playing. You were one of the few people that I actually knew and hung around with in the neighborhood. It wasn't easy being the "spoiled ballerina girl" on the block. You understood where I was coming from since they often called you stuck up as you sat out side playing your clarinet. I know 7th grade was a weird time for all of us, puberty hit, we were making more friends and learning more about our art.
I remember the day you whispered "I got my period"... then your azz disappeared for like 2 weeks. Hell once a month you disappeared for at least a week. Who the hell does that? Very soon we realized what was going on, you didn't go to school when it was that time of the month, but girl you didn't even come outside. What was up with that? I would come by the house to check on you, everyone in your house was at home but ya'll wouldn't open the door. I was so confused... just wanted to tell you this ish was normal and most women go through it. Some days I just wanted to give you the homework you missed.
Then it happened your brother said you were changing schools and the family was moving away. Only that wasn't true -- you transferred but the family didn't move. You became the lonely girl on the front steps with no friends. After that it was too strange to approach you, and left you to your life.
I still feel bad sometimes when I ride past your parents house. Feel like I could have tried harder. There were so many rumors about you... but I just ignored them... refused to spread them...
Just want to say THAT WAS DUMB AS HELL to let the first year of your period cause you to fail the 7th grade... Yes I know you failed, child I was nosey as hell. All over teachers desks. All your absences caused you to fail. Who the hell does that?
Just wanted to know--
Tisiphani
Day 16... Someone that's not in your state or country
Lamar--
Its so funny to call you friend, after all that we went through sometimes I wonder why the hell we're cool at all. Does that mean we're fooling ourselves and holding on really for the sake of holding on? Lets be real here... Most people who have been through the type of relationship we had end up flat out hating each other real talk. We dated for 2 years and although there were a few good times they were few and far between. I won't go into all the BS cause you still get upset when we talk about our relationship history. "TiTi we did have some good times... Stop acting like that." I think I hear that line every time we talk... I see that line every time we're chatting on line.... Messaging on Facebook whatever. Sometimes I think you're actually trying to convince yourself more so than me.
Anyway I'm only writing you to tell you even after all of the bullish you've put me through... I still don't want anything to happen to you. I pray for you all the time, Lord bring him home, Lord keep him safe... God bring Lamar home to his babies. I think you've grown so much over the years and I can't help but be proud of you. I just don't understand why your tours of duty always end up being so long. What the heck man? You leave for a year... 18 months later you call to tell me your tour has been extended again. Really?!? I need the government to get a normal calendar... since their year seems to have 730 days. This time is no different, I actually get nervous when weeks go by and I haven't heard from you... I really need you to stop doing that. You're over seas fighting for this country I get it I understand it, your free time goes to the kids first... But I need to be somewhere on the list. Even if its just a message saying I'm still alive and made it another day.
Get it together MAN
Tisiphani
Its so funny to call you friend, after all that we went through sometimes I wonder why the hell we're cool at all. Does that mean we're fooling ourselves and holding on really for the sake of holding on? Lets be real here... Most people who have been through the type of relationship we had end up flat out hating each other real talk. We dated for 2 years and although there were a few good times they were few and far between. I won't go into all the BS cause you still get upset when we talk about our relationship history. "TiTi we did have some good times... Stop acting like that." I think I hear that line every time we talk... I see that line every time we're chatting on line.... Messaging on Facebook whatever. Sometimes I think you're actually trying to convince yourself more so than me.
Anyway I'm only writing you to tell you even after all of the bullish you've put me through... I still don't want anything to happen to you. I pray for you all the time, Lord bring him home, Lord keep him safe... God bring Lamar home to his babies. I think you've grown so much over the years and I can't help but be proud of you. I just don't understand why your tours of duty always end up being so long. What the heck man? You leave for a year... 18 months later you call to tell me your tour has been extended again. Really?!? I need the government to get a normal calendar... since their year seems to have 730 days. This time is no different, I actually get nervous when weeks go by and I haven't heard from you... I really need you to stop doing that. You're over seas fighting for this country I get it I understand it, your free time goes to the kids first... But I need to be somewhere on the list. Even if its just a message saying I'm still alive and made it another day.
Get it together MAN
Tisiphani
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