DATING DO's & DON'T's

Alright I'm starting to date again after a lovely 2 year hiatus... But things are not as fun as one would expect. I'm encountering things that I think are so basic, that every person who is single and looking for a potential mate should know and understand. I mean I know that I have some special circumstances all because I am a single mother. I understand that's going to be an issue...

First off -- Men if you ask a woman on a date... Take her on a date. The first date should NEVER be a movie and a boxed pizza at your place. I understand the economy is bad, but you can not be serious. Telling me its a way to get to know each other in an intimate setting is really not going to work. We're adults... don't ask a woman out if you can't afford the date.

My advice -- There are ways to date someone without spending money. I had a professor who used to say go to Olive Garden and order water. Then chow down on the free breadsticks and salad. Only now a days the restaurant must have gotten hip to that one, since they now offer the all you can eat breadsticks and salad lunch option. Seriously though, you can work out together, take a stroll through a park, go to a concert in the park, or a museum. If you live in Milwaukee you can get in free one time everymonth, schedule your dates around that month and she'll think you're cultured... Hell the zoo even lets you in free once a month. Hey if you park on the street you can avoid paying those high azz parking fees too.

NEXT- Watch your hands... Stop rubbing and touching so much. Its a first date, not a license to feel me up. I should not have to play slap hands with you all night. And no its not a funny joke we're sharing, I'm serious. By the way, if I take longer than 10 minutes in the restroom, there are 2 reasons for it. 1) I'm gone... No stopping no pausing just getting the hell on. 2) I'm setting up my emergency phone call and ditching you the polite way. Also If you are lucky enough to get a kiss leave it at that. Don't push too hard or that first kiss will end up being your last.

My advice -- Allow the woman to set the pace. We know within the first 5 minutes how far we're willing to take things. Trust and believe we will let you know. Still if you push past the limit.. you're done.

WARNING -- Watch flamboyant tendencies.... This one is going to upset a few people, but I really don't effing care. I have no problem with another person's sexual preference unless you're trying to date me. I don't want a downlow brother, nor am I into bisexual men. So if you're in either category keep it moving. Now if you're not in these categories watch your behavior. If a woman doesn't know you... the gay jokes, and gay man demonstrations will be a little too much. I don't know you or your style of joking so I'm taking notes. If you're a little too good at it, I may start to wonder, and then wander off.

My advice -- Only two things if you're a man who dates other men... say that upfront. A woman should be fully informed about who she is spending her time with. Its not fair to keep your lifestyle a secret. Second BE REAL WITH YOURSELF. Stop hiding because of what people may think, stop being a COWARD!!! YEAH I SAID IT SO WHAT!?! Wanna fight about it? I didn't think so.

Finally -- This is just for my single moms and the men who are strong enough to date them. Understand you are NOT my first priority: my child is. Which means my time is valuable. You will FAIL by asking me to ditch my kid. Also don't ask to spend time with my child... First it makes you look like a creepy perv and I will quickly put you on the text block and don't answer lists. Okay maybe I'm jumping the gun... but I'm the protector. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Understand this... you do NOT get that honor of meeting/spending time with my child right off the back. I don't even know if I like you on the first few dates... so what makes you think I'm going to bring you into my child's life. You've got to earn a spot in my heart, in order to even get an introduction to my baby. Also don't tell me you can be a great dad to my kid... GTFOH!!! He has a daddy, we don't need you for that. Plus the first few dates are a LONG WAY off from being a blended family.

LETS KEEP IT REAL,

Tisiphani

All over the place...

I'm trying to retrain myself to just work on one thing at a time... Which by the way is not going so well since I am actually supposed to be working and learning a new position. Anyway I digress. I'm retraining my brain to focus on the task at hand and learning how to better organize my life. I have always been just a random, off the cuff, creative free thinker. I am not ashamed of it, in fact I am probably the best multi-tasker you'll meet.

I love just going with the flow of life and doing what my body, mind and spirit tell me to. Is that so wrong, I find that usually I am a lot happier doing that. But I do have some goals that I want to reach in the next few years so the free spirit thing will have to take a back seat for now. While I try to get organized and accomplish what a few are calling damn near impossible... more on that to come. I'm going to start by putting myself on a schedule and working my azz off to follow it. If you really know me... I hate scheduling my life. I know what I have to do and I'm there... but to just follow a fully planned week is going to be hard for me... but I'm starting this week... HERE WE GO... Tell you how this crap goes... No really I'm excited I think I will be able to get a hell of a lot done by really planning out my time... My blackberry may not like all the extra memory I'll be using though... LOL

Expanding my options

So I've always been told that I am "Extremely Picky" when it comes to dating... And I'll admit I really am. I love men but I'm not willing to date someone who doesn't know God, doesn't respect himself/others, and who isn't responsible enough to take care of himself... Technically that's not asking too much. But when you consider all the people that I turn down its insane.

I actually realized something the other day. I haven't dated outside my race, EVER. Not on purpose but I just haven't. I figured out that it has something to do with what my father used to say... "Make sure when you bring home kids, they're as dark as you and me." Never thought that a statement could have such an impact. He never said it to my brothers just me... over and over again... So maybe it had some psychological effect on me, that I didn't realize until now.

Now all be it I have been attracted to members of other races just never acted on it. Even been asked out a number of times, but still never pursued. But as I was talking with some of my girlfriends the other day, they just asked me... Why not taste a little sugar, or get some caramel in your life? After all many of them are married... more than a few to people who are not black. Even my white girlfriends are with black or hispanic men... Long story short we're sort of a rainbow of couples.

In actuality its really beautiful. So I decided, why not open up my options and see what bites. And just like that my "friend" asks me out. Now its funny cause I've known this guy for a while and he never said a word until now. Could he read the fact that I'm moving outside my comfort zone. I'm not sure but we'll see where this little escapade will lead.

Playing the field,
Tisiphani

Am I a Nag?!?!

I am trying to learn how to speak to those people I find so beautiful... My counter part in this world the Black Man. Before you all start going off about how I discriminate, let me explain. My daddy is black, my brothers are black, my Papa and goddaddy are black and so is my son. So yes I have a huge place in my heart for the brotha.



With that being said I have a major problem... My MOUTH. I have such high expectations for Black men that I tend to push, and push hard. I push my brothers, son, and men I date. Its not that I am trying to get on their nerves, or even compete with them... I am really just trying to help them become the best at whatever. I understand that things can be hard, I know that the world will beat a man down until he is just a shell... but I want the men (specifically black men) in my life to know... IF NO ONE ELSE BELIEVES IN YOU... I AM HERE FOR YOU!

But I like many women have been told I can be a nag... WHAT?! This sometimes confuses me, my brothers are fine with my motivation and so are most of the men in my family... But when it comes to some of the men I date... They can not take it. If you say you're looking for a job... I'll say let me help with your resume. If you say I'm looking for a job... I'll ask where. How is that nagging? If you tell me your dream is to own your on construction business, I will say how do you plan to start.... I don't think this is nagging. To me its more of a way to get you to think about your next step. I'm not going to sugar coat BS either. If you tell me baby I'm looking for a job, yet you've been on the couch all day in your pjs... I'm going to say people don't advertise job openings on tv... Just saying. Or I'm starting my own business and you have done no research on the industry... I want to know how this is going to happen. I'm not trying to have someone sitting in my face flat out lying to me all the time...

Say what you mean and mean what you say... And don't fault me on believing you when you tell me you're going to do something. I'm just going off your word, and your word is really all you have.

Quick story -- my cousin didn't speak to me for about 2 years. All because I asked him if he liked jail...

Here's how it went down:

Me: Hey cuz glad you're out... how long you plan on being free this time
Cuz: Man I hate jail I aint trying to go back to dat Bitch..
Me: You sure? As much as you go in... I figured it was something in there you like.
Cuz: Dude whatever STFU
Me: No for real; Do you like it? You got a man in there or something... Or is it just easy to be a lazy ass cuz you're always being told what to do...
Cuz: See you on that bullshit cuz... I try to stay out, but its hard when you can't get a job and people always fucking with you.
Me: MOFO Please... you had a job at McDonad's last time you were out. Had the whole family supporting you mentally and financially. But you stole money from the safe... like you couldn't get it from any one of your peeps... Knowing you'd get caught cause they told you about the cameras... REALLY? You wanted to go back...
Cuz: FUCK YOU CUZ...

Okay so maybe that wasn't the best story... I was sort of being a sarcastic ass there... but you get my point.

So give it to me straight.... AM I A NAG?

Day 20... Someone who broke you heart the hardest

I knew when I wrote these letters I would have a few addressed to the same person, but here we go again. I'm again writing to my ex from Day 7.

Dear **Still not giving out his name**

This is the second time I'm writing you, since for some reason you decided to contact me. I'm not sure if you read the first letter and realized it was about you or if I was really just on your mind.

I loved you once... Hell I was head over heels in love with you. Finally I got over that hurt I felt in my heart and found a way to forgive you. Maybe it was the space, maybe it was the distance, maybe it was time... for all I know it was an act of God. Whatever it was it worked. I was done and even moved on. Then you contacted me and my head began to spin with all sorts of ideas on how we could make a relationship work. Try again for the sake of love. LOVE what am I talking about I'm over you, or so I thought.

This love crap is for the birds. It feels like I could fall in love with you all over again. Maybe its nostalgia... What I do know is that I still have love in my heart for you. I realize that above all we had way more good times than bad. Yes I wrote a list and figured that out. Even tried to doctor it a few times and make the bad outweigh the good but it doesn't and never will. That's probably why it was so hard to let you go the first time. People always say to leave the past in the past, but how can I when you continue to creep back into my life, thoughts and dreams.

Sometimes I wish that you would just leave me alone while at the same time praying that you won't. That's an effed up statement I know but you know me and my honesty. I can't help it sometimes the truth just blurts out even when it hurts me. Out of all my past relationships you're really the only person I can't keep an open friendship with, because I know where it will head... "Straight to your mother's bed." (Kidding that Biggie song just popped in my head.)

Anyway, I can't really say what I want because even I don't know. I just know this whatever will be will be. I have let go... so that I can let God.


Tisiphani

Day 19... Someone that pesters you good/bad

This one I could go off on a major rant. It wouldn't be hard because I am a Baby's Momma. Honestly before you judge I don't think the term "baby momma" is a bad. Hell if I was married I would still be my baby's Momma so who cares. Instead of repeating myself check out an earlier blog I wrote before I started these letters.

In the Beginning: The Truth about Baby Momma Drama

Day 18... The person I wish I could be

This letter is really hard for me to write. In fact I have been going back and forth about it for a while. The person I wish I could be... First of all I don't make wishes, I pray then work my faith. For example I want to new job... I pray on it, then work on my resume, send it off, follow up with phone calls etc. I guess writing this letter is really a mute point considering I've already written a letter to myself figuring out where I may have gone wrong... So what I will do is let you in on my prayer for self... LIKE I SAID I DON'T MAKE WISHES!!!

Dear God-

It is your humble servant Tisiphani. I know I don't always do right, but I'm working on that. Please help me with my flaws and all. Lord I see myself in a certain place -- a place where I'm not and a place I don't know how to get to. I thought that by 30 I would be further in my career, opening my studio, and married with 2/3 kids. Obviously this was not in your plan for me at this time, but I figured since you keep allowing me to have the dream maybe its just delayed. I'm not sure and I don't want to put words in your mouth but I know that Faith without work is dead. So I put my faith in your Father. Help me as I work my tail off to get where I know I can be.

Dear God help me to be a better Christian, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend... As these are most important. Then Lord I ask you to touch my body and help me to be a better dancer, touch my hands and help me to be a better writer. Lord if its not too much can you also order my steps in your word... I know I can't go out and do this on my own... I need you.

Thanks JC...

Oh and by the way I have this major problem with just saying whatever I want and feel at any given time. Can you help me to hold my tongue and use a little more tact. I'm getting better, but I still have some work to do.

Amen