Dear Bill-
You know after knowing you for all these years its almost hard to believe that we rarely talk... We've been friends since before we knew what the word actually meant. I guess its been a little weird in the last few years. Our lives have turned out so different from what we dreamed as kids... Lol Remember you were going to be the next Michael Jordan... and I was going to be dancing with the Harlem Ballet. I remember talking about it for what seemed like hours on end underneath the berry bush outside of Pastor's house. We would sneak and pick the berries, eat them and talk about how fun it would be to be a grown up. Then Rob would come up punch me in the arm and we were all off and running. Those were the days.
Its funny our parents always though you and I would end up married one day and never hesitated to remind us of that every single day. Probably why we never actually ended up dating. When your parents try to force something on you... its rebellion time. I don't actually know why we fell off, but I miss you friend. I still remember coming back home and realizing that our berry bush had been cut down. I got a little sad, I looked at the stump and just remembered you and sitting under there. Just enjoying the summer days. Wow that seems like such a long time ago. Can you believe we're 30... OMG remember when you would tease me about being older than me... Like it mattered it was only 6 weeks... buddy.
I know we saw each other last year but we didn't keep in touch like we promised. I just want to have another one of those days... like when we were little. Innocently sitting under the rasberry
bush, sneaking, eating and talking.... I miss it.
Tisiphani
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
30 letters, 30 days... Day 13-Someone you've drifted away from.
I've been around but not really. I've been the person everyone expected me to be and that lead me away from you. How could I ever do that when I loved you so much? Truth be told you were everything that I wanted to be. Smart, beautiful, assertive, and so damn determined to get what you want out of life.
There were times when I was amazed just at the way you carried yourself. Head held high no matter what life threw at you. Even in the hardest of times you never let the world know what was going on. I loved how when others would try to tear you down you would come up with a beautiful rebuttal... a rebuttal so well put that the person going against you could only hug you in response. The true beauty of you shined through and negativity didn't even seem to affect you. I loved that about you.
In writing this letter I'm hoping that I am able to find you again. Never was I so lost and hurt until the day I lost you.. The true essence of me. Tisiphani you are not lost only suppressed by the expectations you're putting on yourself. Sweetie its time to release those self given shackles and return to the true essence of self. The only person who can return you to the person you really are is you. I look forward to seeing you again when I look into the mirror.
Welcome back love,
Woman in the Mirror
There were times when I was amazed just at the way you carried yourself. Head held high no matter what life threw at you. Even in the hardest of times you never let the world know what was going on. I loved how when others would try to tear you down you would come up with a beautiful rebuttal... a rebuttal so well put that the person going against you could only hug you in response. The true beauty of you shined through and negativity didn't even seem to affect you. I loved that about you.
In writing this letter I'm hoping that I am able to find you again. Never was I so lost and hurt until the day I lost you.. The true essence of me. Tisiphani you are not lost only suppressed by the expectations you're putting on yourself. Sweetie its time to release those self given shackles and return to the true essence of self. The only person who can return you to the person you really are is you. I look forward to seeing you again when I look into the mirror.
Welcome back love,
Woman in the Mirror
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
30 Letters in 30 Days... Day 13- To someone I wish I could forgive
Person I wish I could forgive:
We were friends for a very long time. I still remember the day I met you. My mother and I decided to head down to the lake front. At that time the water was really dirty so no one actually got in, instead they just played on the beach. For some reason you spotted me... walk over and asked if I wanted to play volley ball. I reluctantly agreed, and when you saw how horrible I was you didn't even laugh. You just pulled me aside and showed me how to spike the ball. That was the beginning of our friendship... and just the beginning of my troubles.
Maybe I should have realized then just how charming you were, or told myself that a man shouldn't be paying this much attention to a young girl. Still I was enjoying the attention. I had never really had a boy let alone a man pay me much attention. Usually when it comes to playing sports I'm never picked, and tend to only watch from the sidelines. I was a disaster so people wouldn't even waste their time trying to teach me anything. So when you came along I was immediately taken.
From then on you kept in touch with me, making sure to closely follow my parents rules, bringing me home on time, not staying on the phone too late and always being polite when you would come over. I was 12 and you were 17. Truth be told you looked a lot younger so its no surprise you fooled my parents. For the next few months you played the role of a perfect friend. Coming around to share a game of Nintendo, playing softball at the park and even taking in a few of my dance recitals.
Then my life changed forever... You told my mom you got your license and would drive me home... She trusted you and so did I. Instead of going straight home we stopped by Kits a local ice cream parlor, then headed home... or so I thought. You drove right past my block to a dark alley. Reached over and kissed me. I thought I was in heaven, it was my first kiss. Then you grabbed my shirt and ripped it off my just developing body... I was confused and terrified. I screamed for you to stop only to be met by your fist in my face. You hit me... I didn't know what to do so I cried... I just cried. The next 20 or so minutes seemed like a lifetime. My virginity was stolen. I thought my parents would hate me, God would punish me and my life would never be the same. I was right about one thing my life was never the same after that.
I kept quiet for so long, my parents were asking why you never came over anymore. I met their inquiries with anger lashing out destroying anything I could get my hands on. My parents had no idea what was going on, I quit dancing because it made me think of that night. I turned from everything I knew that reminded me of that night and of you. Then the scariest day of my life... I saw you again. I came home from school and you were in the living room with my mother telling her you missed me and couldn't wait to see me. I lost it, hitting you with everything I could pick up and screaming about that night all at the same time. My mother realized what happened and call the police. You were arrested, but since I didn't report it earlier, they let you go. Out of jail on lack of evidence. They needed physical evidence to put you in jail. The fact that my innocence had been stolen meant nothing to the law.
I only want to say I will never forgive you... I hate you and everything you are. God have mercy on my soul for the anger in my heart. Truthfully I hope you go straight to hell with gasoline drawers, smoking a cigarette and holding a gas powered lantern.
Fcuk you in the azz with no lube...
Tisiphani
PS... This story is totally false. I couldn't come up with a situation or person that I just can't forgive. So I thought about a situation where I knew forgiveness would be damn near impossible... rape. Rape is a very serious situation, if you have been assaulted you are not alone there is help out there. Don't be ashamed of what happened tell someone immediately. Go to the hospital, there are no judgements only people who want to help you.
Rainn National Rape Crisis Hot line: 800-656-4673
National Youth Crisis Hot line: 800-442-HOPE
These folks will direct you to counselors in your area.
We were friends for a very long time. I still remember the day I met you. My mother and I decided to head down to the lake front. At that time the water was really dirty so no one actually got in, instead they just played on the beach. For some reason you spotted me... walk over and asked if I wanted to play volley ball. I reluctantly agreed, and when you saw how horrible I was you didn't even laugh. You just pulled me aside and showed me how to spike the ball. That was the beginning of our friendship... and just the beginning of my troubles.
Maybe I should have realized then just how charming you were, or told myself that a man shouldn't be paying this much attention to a young girl. Still I was enjoying the attention. I had never really had a boy let alone a man pay me much attention. Usually when it comes to playing sports I'm never picked, and tend to only watch from the sidelines. I was a disaster so people wouldn't even waste their time trying to teach me anything. So when you came along I was immediately taken.
From then on you kept in touch with me, making sure to closely follow my parents rules, bringing me home on time, not staying on the phone too late and always being polite when you would come over. I was 12 and you were 17. Truth be told you looked a lot younger so its no surprise you fooled my parents. For the next few months you played the role of a perfect friend. Coming around to share a game of Nintendo, playing softball at the park and even taking in a few of my dance recitals.
Then my life changed forever... You told my mom you got your license and would drive me home... She trusted you and so did I. Instead of going straight home we stopped by Kits a local ice cream parlor, then headed home... or so I thought. You drove right past my block to a dark alley. Reached over and kissed me. I thought I was in heaven, it was my first kiss. Then you grabbed my shirt and ripped it off my just developing body... I was confused and terrified. I screamed for you to stop only to be met by your fist in my face. You hit me... I didn't know what to do so I cried... I just cried. The next 20 or so minutes seemed like a lifetime. My virginity was stolen. I thought my parents would hate me, God would punish me and my life would never be the same. I was right about one thing my life was never the same after that.
I kept quiet for so long, my parents were asking why you never came over anymore. I met their inquiries with anger lashing out destroying anything I could get my hands on. My parents had no idea what was going on, I quit dancing because it made me think of that night. I turned from everything I knew that reminded me of that night and of you. Then the scariest day of my life... I saw you again. I came home from school and you were in the living room with my mother telling her you missed me and couldn't wait to see me. I lost it, hitting you with everything I could pick up and screaming about that night all at the same time. My mother realized what happened and call the police. You were arrested, but since I didn't report it earlier, they let you go. Out of jail on lack of evidence. They needed physical evidence to put you in jail. The fact that my innocence had been stolen meant nothing to the law.
I only want to say I will never forgive you... I hate you and everything you are. God have mercy on my soul for the anger in my heart. Truthfully I hope you go straight to hell with gasoline drawers, smoking a cigarette and holding a gas powered lantern.
Fcuk you in the azz with no lube...
Tisiphani
PS... This story is totally false. I couldn't come up with a situation or person that I just can't forgive. So I thought about a situation where I knew forgiveness would be damn near impossible... rape. Rape is a very serious situation, if you have been assaulted you are not alone there is help out there. Don't be ashamed of what happened tell someone immediately. Go to the hospital, there are no judgements only people who want to help you.
Rainn National Rape Crisis Hot line: 800-656-4673
National Youth Crisis Hot line: 800-442-HOPE
These folks will direct you to counselors in your area.
30 letters, 30 days... Day 12-To someone who caused me a lot of pain
I knew when I started these letters a few of them would be very hard to write and even harder to publish. Still I decided to press on in order to purge myself of any ill feelings and begin a healing process. I am a Christian which means I am supposed to forgive those who have done me harm and turn the other cheek. At the same time I am human and flawed, so please don't judge me. I would prefer you pray for me and ask God to help heal my heart...
To my one time mentor:
I must admit I've been harboring these ill feelings for some time now. I looked to you for advice, guidance, prayer and encouragement. I held you in high regards as a person who would always be in my corner. For years you provided me with just that, but those were the good times. When the chips were stacked up in my favor. I will admit I even gave you some credit as my success seemed eminent... But something changed. When things went south... you went away. Our friendship, partnership and relationship dissipated.
I still to this day don't understand how that was possible, out of everyone involved in the situation I expected you to HAVE MY BACK. Instead you retreated, took my loss and immediately went into CYA mood. How could you leave me standing alone, and holding onto the burden that you could have helped me to bare. I didn't expect much just a firm hand to hold as I battle my way back to the top. Instead I reached out for you and got a door slammed in my face.
I have forgiven you... even told you to your face how upset I was at the time. I also appreciate your apologies. We both made mistakes and are now realizing how those mistakes have affected the other person. So lets work to get past this pain, reconnect and try harder to understand each other. I'm not sure if our mentor/mentee relationship will ever be as strong as it use to be but I still respect you for what you do.
Tisiphani
We all fall... But I know the true key to life is learning to get back up.
To my one time mentor:
I must admit I've been harboring these ill feelings for some time now. I looked to you for advice, guidance, prayer and encouragement. I held you in high regards as a person who would always be in my corner. For years you provided me with just that, but those were the good times. When the chips were stacked up in my favor. I will admit I even gave you some credit as my success seemed eminent... But something changed. When things went south... you went away. Our friendship, partnership and relationship dissipated.
I still to this day don't understand how that was possible, out of everyone involved in the situation I expected you to HAVE MY BACK. Instead you retreated, took my loss and immediately went into CYA mood. How could you leave me standing alone, and holding onto the burden that you could have helped me to bare. I didn't expect much just a firm hand to hold as I battle my way back to the top. Instead I reached out for you and got a door slammed in my face.
I have forgiven you... even told you to your face how upset I was at the time. I also appreciate your apologies. We both made mistakes and are now realizing how those mistakes have affected the other person. So lets work to get past this pain, reconnect and try harder to understand each other. I'm not sure if our mentor/mentee relationship will ever be as strong as it use to be but I still respect you for what you do.
Tisiphani
We all fall... But I know the true key to life is learning to get back up.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
30 letters, 30 days... Day 11-- To a deceased person-Lorenzo G. Stewart, Jr. RIP
Lord please don't let me cry on this one...
Dear Lorenzo:
The man who taught me that love endures all. The day I found out you died had to be the worst day of my life to date. I still remember telling my mother you hadn't called to let me know you arrived in Tennessee. I got up and called your phone but no answer, so I called your sister. "Happy Christmas Eve. Where is that brother of yours? He hasn't called me today and that's not like him..." What she said next made my heart stop and my knees buckle. "Tisiphani I meant to call you sooner but I didn't know how. Lorenzo never made it... There was an accident." I don't remember exactly what happened after that... Just my brother lifting me up off the ground, screaming at me to tell him what was wrong.... I couldn't talk, couldn't understand, couldn't believe that you were GONE.
It couldn't be... after 8 years we'd finally gotten our act together, and decided that we would be together from now on. We were supposed to spend Christmas with our parents and New Years together... But the New Year never came. Not for me... not that year. I'd lost you, God took you from me and I was so angry. I think I was more upset because I fell asleep and missed that final phone call from you, the one where you said you're almost there and would call as soon as you arrived. The last message you ever left me said... "I love you."
It took a long time for me to accept that you were gone. Your family helped though. When I arrived for your funeral they showered me with love. Accepted me as family and wiped away my tears, even though they were hurting too. I didn't even want to go back to school but mom said Lorenzo wouldn't want you to sit here crying your life away. He didn't make it, but you did. So now you need to live. I buckled down in school and became a true book worm. Changed my major and excelled in everything. I actually made the dean's list for the rest of my time in college. Partly because I just needed to keep busy and focus on something other than the fact that I lost the love I thought would be with me forever.
I've been in relationships since you've passed. Even found myself in love. Yet the best thing that has happened to me is I'm a mommy now. Remember you told me I would be a great mom... I think I'm doing pretty good. I still have yet to find the man to spend the rest of my life with. But I'm open to the possibility. For years after you died I swore I wouldn't fall for another man... I couldn't get married if my name wasn't going to be Mrs. Lorenzo G. Stewart, Jr. For some reason God decided to continue blessing me through my anger, and showed me that love doesn't die. That it was okay to still love you, remember you as long as I lived the life He gave me. So that's what I do... I live life to the fullest. I may do somethings that others look at as a little crazy, but life can be sooo short.
I wanted to let you know I'm alright now. Blessed and in a good place. I know that your in a better place, and as happy as we could have been together it doesn't even compare to how happy you are now. I know that all our time together wasn't the happiest, but those are the times I choose to remember. Every once in a while I still go through your letters... But I no longer cry looking at them. I smile and remember the love.
RIP My love,
Tisiphani
Dear Lorenzo:
The man who taught me that love endures all. The day I found out you died had to be the worst day of my life to date. I still remember telling my mother you hadn't called to let me know you arrived in Tennessee. I got up and called your phone but no answer, so I called your sister. "Happy Christmas Eve. Where is that brother of yours? He hasn't called me today and that's not like him..." What she said next made my heart stop and my knees buckle. "Tisiphani I meant to call you sooner but I didn't know how. Lorenzo never made it... There was an accident." I don't remember exactly what happened after that... Just my brother lifting me up off the ground, screaming at me to tell him what was wrong.... I couldn't talk, couldn't understand, couldn't believe that you were GONE.
It couldn't be... after 8 years we'd finally gotten our act together, and decided that we would be together from now on. We were supposed to spend Christmas with our parents and New Years together... But the New Year never came. Not for me... not that year. I'd lost you, God took you from me and I was so angry. I think I was more upset because I fell asleep and missed that final phone call from you, the one where you said you're almost there and would call as soon as you arrived. The last message you ever left me said... "I love you."
It took a long time for me to accept that you were gone. Your family helped though. When I arrived for your funeral they showered me with love. Accepted me as family and wiped away my tears, even though they were hurting too. I didn't even want to go back to school but mom said Lorenzo wouldn't want you to sit here crying your life away. He didn't make it, but you did. So now you need to live. I buckled down in school and became a true book worm. Changed my major and excelled in everything. I actually made the dean's list for the rest of my time in college. Partly because I just needed to keep busy and focus on something other than the fact that I lost the love I thought would be with me forever.
I've been in relationships since you've passed. Even found myself in love. Yet the best thing that has happened to me is I'm a mommy now. Remember you told me I would be a great mom... I think I'm doing pretty good. I still have yet to find the man to spend the rest of my life with. But I'm open to the possibility. For years after you died I swore I wouldn't fall for another man... I couldn't get married if my name wasn't going to be Mrs. Lorenzo G. Stewart, Jr. For some reason God decided to continue blessing me through my anger, and showed me that love doesn't die. That it was okay to still love you, remember you as long as I lived the life He gave me. So that's what I do... I live life to the fullest. I may do somethings that others look at as a little crazy, but life can be sooo short.
I wanted to let you know I'm alright now. Blessed and in a good place. I know that your in a better place, and as happy as we could have been together it doesn't even compare to how happy you are now. I know that all our time together wasn't the happiest, but those are the times I choose to remember. Every once in a while I still go through your letters... But I no longer cry looking at them. I smile and remember the love.
RIP My love,
Tisiphani
30 letters, 30 days... Day 10- To someone I don't talk to as often as I would like --ROYCE
Someone I don't talk to as much as I would like... This one is my fault through and through I need to learn to actually talk on my phone instead of just using it as a tiny portable computer.
Dear Royce:
I don't even know how to start this letter so I'll just speak from the heart. (or type from it) I LOVE YOU! There I said it. You don't know how much of an impact you have made on my life. I really learned what a true friend and sister really is about from you. We have been through a lot together over the years and much of it I don't know if I could have gotten through it alone.
Royce you go far and beyond the definition of a friend. I still can't believe some of the things we've been through. Our friendship goes far beyond sharing the stage in some beautiful dances... Girl you know you go to bat for the people you care about, you make sure everyone else is taken care of. When I think of you I can't help but smile and sometimes cry. I remember you quickly jumping up to have my back when others seem to have let me down. You gave me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and some harsh words when I needed it. Lets just say you really know how to keep it real and give it to me straight... no chaser. LOL I appreciate that. Not to mention not having it when I lost my housing. I was about to cancel my classes, pack up my car and drive home. You told me no take my keys and stay here. You don't know how much that meant to me... Not to mention I could stay in school. I think I cried for about a week.
There were plenty of laughs and good times in those years. From being thrown into a water fountain, getting kicked out of shows the night before only to be put back in day of, to executive board meetings in your Palmetto dorm room, KART room, St. George...etc. I could go on. But I think the best memory is when I called you to reveal I was pregnant. I remember telling you that I was scared and not sure what to do... You just started laughing and I was so confused until you said... "Get this... me too!" I think that pretty much just made my day.
Although I haven't talked to you as much due to our ever so crazy schedules I know I will be doing better. And yes as soon as this dang leg heals up I will make my trip down there. My surgery (hopefully the last one this time) is done and pretty soon I will be able to travel again. So I will bring Takis down so he and Bray can meet. They are so close in age I know they'll have a ball, only thing is those 2 together could spell trouble, but I think it will be a sight to see.
L.O.L.
LOVE YOU LOTS,
Tisiphani
lets be real... its just me TiTi
Dear Royce:
I don't even know how to start this letter so I'll just speak from the heart. (or type from it) I LOVE YOU! There I said it. You don't know how much of an impact you have made on my life. I really learned what a true friend and sister really is about from you. We have been through a lot together over the years and much of it I don't know if I could have gotten through it alone.
Royce you go far and beyond the definition of a friend. I still can't believe some of the things we've been through. Our friendship goes far beyond sharing the stage in some beautiful dances... Girl you know you go to bat for the people you care about, you make sure everyone else is taken care of. When I think of you I can't help but smile and sometimes cry. I remember you quickly jumping up to have my back when others seem to have let me down. You gave me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and some harsh words when I needed it. Lets just say you really know how to keep it real and give it to me straight... no chaser. LOL I appreciate that. Not to mention not having it when I lost my housing. I was about to cancel my classes, pack up my car and drive home. You told me no take my keys and stay here. You don't know how much that meant to me... Not to mention I could stay in school. I think I cried for about a week.
There were plenty of laughs and good times in those years. From being thrown into a water fountain, getting kicked out of shows the night before only to be put back in day of, to executive board meetings in your Palmetto dorm room, KART room, St. George...etc. I could go on. But I think the best memory is when I called you to reveal I was pregnant. I remember telling you that I was scared and not sure what to do... You just started laughing and I was so confused until you said... "Get this... me too!" I think that pretty much just made my day.
Although I haven't talked to you as much due to our ever so crazy schedules I know I will be doing better. And yes as soon as this dang leg heals up I will make my trip down there. My surgery (hopefully the last one this time) is done and pretty soon I will be able to travel again. So I will bring Takis down so he and Bray can meet. They are so close in age I know they'll have a ball, only thing is those 2 together could spell trouble, but I think it will be a sight to see.
L.O.L.
LOVE YOU LOTS,
Tisiphani
lets be real... its just me TiTi
30 letters, 30 days... Day 9- Person I wish I could meet--LUAM
This by far has to be the easiest letter I'm probably going to write... My absolute favorite choreographer ever...
Dear Luam-
You are an inspiration to me. I just love your style, your creative passions and how you as an artist can paint your vision through the body of a dancer. I'm truly amazed by everything you create. I find myself watching your videos over and over; learning the movements and trying to embody the mood of the dance. I'm still trying to figure out your frame of mind when creating these wonderful works of art.
As a dancer myself I find myself wanting to hop on a plane just to participate in one of your classes. I love the fact that you let your passion move you from a corporate career into an industry that lets you express who you truly are. You inspire me to not allow the normal ways of the world stop me from doing what I love. As a choreographer our styles differ but that helps me to TRULY RESPECT the creative genius that you are.
luam.net
wildchildnation.com
youtube.com/luam
Respectfully,
Tisiphani
Dear Luam-
You are an inspiration to me. I just love your style, your creative passions and how you as an artist can paint your vision through the body of a dancer. I'm truly amazed by everything you create. I find myself watching your videos over and over; learning the movements and trying to embody the mood of the dance. I'm still trying to figure out your frame of mind when creating these wonderful works of art.
As a dancer myself I find myself wanting to hop on a plane just to participate in one of your classes. I love the fact that you let your passion move you from a corporate career into an industry that lets you express who you truly are. You inspire me to not allow the normal ways of the world stop me from doing what I love. As a choreographer our styles differ but that helps me to TRULY RESPECT the creative genius that you are.
luam.net
wildchildnation.com
youtube.com/luam
Respectfully,
Tisiphani
30 letters, 30 days... Day 8- To an Internet Friend- GLAMAZINI
Dear Roshini aka Glamazini:
I know that I've told you this already in an email... But I just want to thank you for helping my in my journey back to natural. I remember the days of going back and forth about going natural and not having the courage to do it until I found your blog. Back then it was roshini.net. I quietly stalked your page for probably months maybe a year before I just went for it and kicked the creamy crack.
You're so honest on your blog and I love that its not all about hair, you actually let us into your life. Maybe that's why I felt so connected to you. Or it could be the FAMU Tallahassee Rattler for Life bond that we share. Or maybe its our Praise Dance Ministry that connects us... (BTW I pray that your injuries don't stop you from dancing for too much longer.) Or it could be the fact that you're the type of person that if we lived in the same part of the Midwest I could see us being great friends.
You have sent me encouraging words and even prayed over my injury, and for me that's big. You're just such a blessing to so many people, and I thank God for you and your ministry. Keep up the good work...
@glamazini
glamazini.com
youtube.com/glamazini
Yours Truly,
Tisiphani
I know that I've told you this already in an email... But I just want to thank you for helping my in my journey back to natural. I remember the days of going back and forth about going natural and not having the courage to do it until I found your blog. Back then it was roshini.net. I quietly stalked your page for probably months maybe a year before I just went for it and kicked the creamy crack.
You're so honest on your blog and I love that its not all about hair, you actually let us into your life. Maybe that's why I felt so connected to you. Or it could be the FAMU Tallahassee Rattler for Life bond that we share. Or maybe its our Praise Dance Ministry that connects us... (BTW I pray that your injuries don't stop you from dancing for too much longer.) Or it could be the fact that you're the type of person that if we lived in the same part of the Midwest I could see us being great friends.
You have sent me encouraging words and even prayed over my injury, and for me that's big. You're just such a blessing to so many people, and I thank God for you and your ministry. Keep up the good work...
@glamazini
glamazini.com
youtube.com/glamazini
Yours Truly,
Tisiphani
Monday, July 12, 2010
30 letters, 30 days... Day 7- To my EX
This letter has been bothering me since I decided to do these 30 letter but I'm going to stick to my guns and write this open letter to you.
Dear ??? (Not putting myself out there like that)
What happened to us? I know its been a while since we've spoken but it took me a long time to get over the hurt. I'm able to move on and learn from it but the truth is I still love you. We had so many good times, and the dynamics between us seemed to be a perfect match. When I was with you the possibility of breaking up never crossed my mind. I thought we would make it through and conquer this world together. Once I met you I didn't think I would have to bare the burdens of this world alone.
You were my lover and my best friend. I could tell you anything, but something went wrong. You left, and skipped out on me. I was so bitter and angry I turned into the Angry Black Bitch so many people talk about. I just couldn't believe after all that we went through you could walk away. I felt if I helped you to accomplish your dreams, once you got there I would be right by your side. I also thought you would in turn help me accomplish mine. After all that's what people in love do... Isn't it? Maybe I had it wrong or read too much into it... But how could that be? We were together for years. Even with all of the anger that passed between us I was willing to give our love another opportunity to grow and flourish... Then you in your anger decided the best way to get over me was to express to the world that you despised me. Why would you do that to me? Of all people, I've never spoken an ill word about you. I defended you to everyone, family, friends, co-workers and anyone else who would and sometimes wouldn't listen. I loved you in every sense of the word.
In truth I got through it... the hurt, the pain and yes I have moved on. I have a beautiful son now who is my ray of sunshine. My blessing from God. I'm doing what I love and having fun. No I don't have a special someone in my life right now, but I know all good things come from God. In time the man for me will arrive. I'm in no rush to be in another relationship, but this dating things has gotten to be kind of fun. I've done something I didn't think I would be able to do again. I've opened myself up for love. I finally realized you didn't take everything I have to offer, you only took a piece of me. You can have it, treasure it... because I don't want it back. I realize that hole that was in my heart had to be filled with a love of self. Yes I have once again found me and damn it I'm the SHIT. Okay so that was a little self centered but its true. I almost forgot how beautiful I could be, I almost forgot that I have so much love to give. I almost kept it to myself, but that's not fair. I need to love and let someone love me.
I just needed to get this off of my chest, but more so I wanted to thank you. For being the man for me at that time in my life. I want to thank you for all the life lessons you taught me during and after our relationship. I know that when I get married (Can you believe I want to get married) I will make someone a great wife. I'm a strong woman who is independent yes... but I'm willing to be a helpmate. This is what I was created to be. Strong enough to hold up my man when he needs it... but also soft enough to allow him to hold me.
Thanks for the lessons,
Tisiphani
Dear ??? (Not putting myself out there like that)
What happened to us? I know its been a while since we've spoken but it took me a long time to get over the hurt. I'm able to move on and learn from it but the truth is I still love you. We had so many good times, and the dynamics between us seemed to be a perfect match. When I was with you the possibility of breaking up never crossed my mind. I thought we would make it through and conquer this world together. Once I met you I didn't think I would have to bare the burdens of this world alone.
You were my lover and my best friend. I could tell you anything, but something went wrong. You left, and skipped out on me. I was so bitter and angry I turned into the Angry Black Bitch so many people talk about. I just couldn't believe after all that we went through you could walk away. I felt if I helped you to accomplish your dreams, once you got there I would be right by your side. I also thought you would in turn help me accomplish mine. After all that's what people in love do... Isn't it? Maybe I had it wrong or read too much into it... But how could that be? We were together for years. Even with all of the anger that passed between us I was willing to give our love another opportunity to grow and flourish... Then you in your anger decided the best way to get over me was to express to the world that you despised me. Why would you do that to me? Of all people, I've never spoken an ill word about you. I defended you to everyone, family, friends, co-workers and anyone else who would and sometimes wouldn't listen. I loved you in every sense of the word.
In truth I got through it... the hurt, the pain and yes I have moved on. I have a beautiful son now who is my ray of sunshine. My blessing from God. I'm doing what I love and having fun. No I don't have a special someone in my life right now, but I know all good things come from God. In time the man for me will arrive. I'm in no rush to be in another relationship, but this dating things has gotten to be kind of fun. I've done something I didn't think I would be able to do again. I've opened myself up for love. I finally realized you didn't take everything I have to offer, you only took a piece of me. You can have it, treasure it... because I don't want it back. I realize that hole that was in my heart had to be filled with a love of self. Yes I have once again found me and damn it I'm the SHIT. Okay so that was a little self centered but its true. I almost forgot how beautiful I could be, I almost forgot that I have so much love to give. I almost kept it to myself, but that's not fair. I need to love and let someone love me.
I just needed to get this off of my chest, but more so I wanted to thank you. For being the man for me at that time in my life. I want to thank you for all the life lessons you taught me during and after our relationship. I know that when I get married (Can you believe I want to get married) I will make someone a great wife. I'm a strong woman who is independent yes... but I'm willing to be a helpmate. This is what I was created to be. Strong enough to hold up my man when he needs it... but also soft enough to allow him to hold me.
Thanks for the lessons,
Tisiphani
30 letters, 30 days... Day 6- To a Stranger
Dear Stranger:
I've never met you but because of the love of Christ I still love you. That's the reason when I pass you on the street I say hello, and ask you about your day. I smile and pray your day is going well. No I'm not just some random crazy off the street but if you are I still love you. If you need something just ask. If its in my power to give I will do so.
But I have always wanted to know: What has happened that has caused you to be so angry? What burden has this world placed on your shoulder that you can't raise your head up and put a smile on your face? What has you so disgruntled that you must tote a gun and not care who's life you take? I know this may not be my business but I've seen too many of God's beautiful creations taken out by gun fire, too many precious little children hit by stray bullets never allowed to reach their full potential. Too many creative genius minds taken out of this world before they can give their true message and its not fair. So I ask... What will it take to make you change your ways? What must I do to convince you that this is not the way? What must I do to help you realize that by killing those around you... you're only killing yourself? How can I help you to see that there is a better way? Maybe I have too many questions and you don't have all the answers but know this I'm praying for you. Yes you! I don't need to know you're name, because you're still a child of God's. He knows who I'm talking about. I just pray that one day you'll join me and fall on your knees and ask our God in heaven to help you change your ways. Before the violence of this world takes you too.
Yes I love you,
Tisiphani
I've never met you but because of the love of Christ I still love you. That's the reason when I pass you on the street I say hello, and ask you about your day. I smile and pray your day is going well. No I'm not just some random crazy off the street but if you are I still love you. If you need something just ask. If its in my power to give I will do so.
But I have always wanted to know: What has happened that has caused you to be so angry? What burden has this world placed on your shoulder that you can't raise your head up and put a smile on your face? What has you so disgruntled that you must tote a gun and not care who's life you take? I know this may not be my business but I've seen too many of God's beautiful creations taken out by gun fire, too many precious little children hit by stray bullets never allowed to reach their full potential. Too many creative genius minds taken out of this world before they can give their true message and its not fair. So I ask... What will it take to make you change your ways? What must I do to convince you that this is not the way? What must I do to help you realize that by killing those around you... you're only killing yourself? How can I help you to see that there is a better way? Maybe I have too many questions and you don't have all the answers but know this I'm praying for you. Yes you! I don't need to know you're name, because you're still a child of God's. He knows who I'm talking about. I just pray that one day you'll join me and fall on your knees and ask our God in heaven to help you change your ways. Before the violence of this world takes you too.
Yes I love you,
Tisiphani
30 letters, 30 days... Day 5- To my DREAMS
To my dreams:
I've put you on hold and left you alone on the back burner. Waiting on the day I can bring you out and show you off. Don't worry I haven't forgotten about you, its just that life sort of got in the way. I had to worry about bills and baby's well being, but I haven't forgotten about you. I'm actually preparing a place for you right out front. I'm laying the ground work for you to be seen by more than just me.
My dance studio is coming. I know its been a long time since I've talked about it, and my injury really put things on hold. Forcing me to push my soft opening of my small Brown Deer space to next Spring (Lord Willing). This is my biggest dream and I'm not giving up, ever. Dance is my passion its what gets me through the good and bad times. Teaching others is where I get my high... sharing this gift with others is how I testify. Maybe that's an odd way to say how much I love to share my gift... But if you don't use it you'll lose it.
My dreams aren't just for sleep... and I'm willing to share.
Tisiphani
I've put you on hold and left you alone on the back burner. Waiting on the day I can bring you out and show you off. Don't worry I haven't forgotten about you, its just that life sort of got in the way. I had to worry about bills and baby's well being, but I haven't forgotten about you. I'm actually preparing a place for you right out front. I'm laying the ground work for you to be seen by more than just me.
My dance studio is coming. I know its been a long time since I've talked about it, and my injury really put things on hold. Forcing me to push my soft opening of my small Brown Deer space to next Spring (Lord Willing). This is my biggest dream and I'm not giving up, ever. Dance is my passion its what gets me through the good and bad times. Teaching others is where I get my high... sharing this gift with others is how I testify. Maybe that's an odd way to say how much I love to share my gift... But if you don't use it you'll lose it.
My dreams aren't just for sleep... and I'm willing to share.
Tisiphani
30 letters, 30 days... Day 4_ To my brother & sisters... ALL OF THEM
My brothers:
I love you both so much. When we were young it seemed as though I was so much older than you both. 4/5 years seems like so much until everyone is over the age of 21. Now its all about love and respect.
My big/lil bro:
So many people wonder why I call you that but if they saw us standing next to one another they would understand. I just want to let you know how proud I am of you. You are a beautiful son, brother, husband and father. You have been through so much and kept the faith the entire time... This is another reason I look up to you. Not just because you're taller than me...
My baby bro... Boopie:
Yeah I don't care how grown you get you're still my Boopie. We fight so much, but I know its only because we're both so strong willed. Out of all our siblings we may be the most alike. You tell anyone that and I will deny I said it. Seriously we fight so hard but its all in love. You may have baby boy syndrome but I love you anyway.
My other bro:
What can I say -- I don't know you at all. Its not our fault though, Papa was a rolling stone. My only hope is that one day we can at least meet one another. All I know about you is your name.
My Big sister:
I really don't know what the hell I ever did to you. You never liked or accepted me as your sister, but guess what I FORGIVE YOU. I haven't spoken to you in 15 years, and that was my choice. Not my mom's and not OUR dad's... MINE. I just didn't like putting myself out there trying to be the perfect baby sister, and have you belittle me and treat me like some sort of step child. I wasn't the step kid... YOU WERE, but I never treated you that way. I won't go into everything... but I just need to know I FORGIVE YOU.
My other sister:
Our paths cross every once in a while, and I still love you. I hope that as we grow as women we'll develop a closer relationship. I know I act like I don't care one way or another but I love and miss you too. Our kids are getting older and I think its time for a playdate... What do you think?
Love your sister,
Tisiphani
I love you both so much. When we were young it seemed as though I was so much older than you both. 4/5 years seems like so much until everyone is over the age of 21. Now its all about love and respect.
My big/lil bro:
So many people wonder why I call you that but if they saw us standing next to one another they would understand. I just want to let you know how proud I am of you. You are a beautiful son, brother, husband and father. You have been through so much and kept the faith the entire time... This is another reason I look up to you. Not just because you're taller than me...
My baby bro... Boopie:
Yeah I don't care how grown you get you're still my Boopie. We fight so much, but I know its only because we're both so strong willed. Out of all our siblings we may be the most alike. You tell anyone that and I will deny I said it. Seriously we fight so hard but its all in love. You may have baby boy syndrome but I love you anyway.
My other bro:
What can I say -- I don't know you at all. Its not our fault though, Papa was a rolling stone. My only hope is that one day we can at least meet one another. All I know about you is your name.
My Big sister:
I really don't know what the hell I ever did to you. You never liked or accepted me as your sister, but guess what I FORGIVE YOU. I haven't spoken to you in 15 years, and that was my choice. Not my mom's and not OUR dad's... MINE. I just didn't like putting myself out there trying to be the perfect baby sister, and have you belittle me and treat me like some sort of step child. I wasn't the step kid... YOU WERE, but I never treated you that way. I won't go into everything... but I just need to know I FORGIVE YOU.
My other sister:
Our paths cross every once in a while, and I still love you. I hope that as we grow as women we'll develop a closer relationship. I know I act like I don't care one way or another but I love and miss you too. Our kids are getting older and I think its time for a playdate... What do you think?
Love your sister,
Tisiphani
Thursday, July 8, 2010
30 Letters, 30 days... Day 3_ To my parents
Dear Parents:
I was trying to figure out how to write you guys together. Lord knows you're totally different people. I mean sometimes I wonder how you got together in the first place, then I realize it may have only been to create me and my brothers and for that I am thankful. You guys separated a while ago and I never told how upset I was... It really bothered me that my family was no longer together. I was crushed. There weren't very many people in my classes that had 2 parents in the home, but I was one of the lucky ones. I realized that.
At one point I was daddy's girl, his baby girl. Daddy you made sure I was safe, and happy. Don't get me wrong, you didn't have to be so hard all the time. I knew why you did it though, you wanted me to have more. Saw my potential even at a young age. Tisiphani... Is the name you gave me. I realized after looking it up, why it was so important for me to be called by the name one of the Erinyes. But dad I've always wanted to know... What happened? You not only left mom, but you left me? I was the baby girl. Your youngest daughter and you left me at the time I needed you most. I had just started dating and could have used my dad's guidance. Not just the passing advice you would give as you would call ever 3 months... But I needed my daddy. Even now... You live down the street and I barely see you. My son only knows you as "Pee-Paw... on the wall". That's not fair. I know you thought mom was telling us about you and what you were going through but, to be fair she never did. I only found out the truth about the past recently as an adult, and I still don't care. You're my dad and that will never change.
Mom I thank you for your strength and determination as a child. I really needed that. You struggled after daddy left, but hell I thought we were rich. Eating cereal for dinner was a fun treat for me... I didn't know it was all we had. Your love made me feel like I could go out and conquer the world. In fact it still does and I'm working on that conquering part. Mom I just wanted to tell you how as much as I appreciate what you did when I was young... it may be time for you to let go. I love how involved with your grandson you are, and how you just want to make sure I'm taken care of. But I need you to know, you raised a great lady... now let me be a woman. I will never disrespect you cause you are my MOTHER... but when I say no. That's what I mean. You taught me to mean what I say and say what I mean. That's what I am doing. I know I do somethings differently from you, engage in activities you avoid, and am all around more outgoing... Respect me for that. Allow me to be me, to make my own mistakes and get messy. I know you just want to protect me, but realize this... You raised me so well that I know in order to grow some mistakes... I JUST HAVE TO MAKE on my own, but guess what I will learn from them. Mom I'm a risk taker, and yes it has led me to getting hurt. But it won't stop me from taking more risks and trying harder.
Basically what I am saying guys is I love you BOTH. For who you are, and who I am... I honor my mother and father. I just need you to honor and except me too.
Love your daughter,
Tisiphani
I was trying to figure out how to write you guys together. Lord knows you're totally different people. I mean sometimes I wonder how you got together in the first place, then I realize it may have only been to create me and my brothers and for that I am thankful. You guys separated a while ago and I never told how upset I was... It really bothered me that my family was no longer together. I was crushed. There weren't very many people in my classes that had 2 parents in the home, but I was one of the lucky ones. I realized that.
At one point I was daddy's girl, his baby girl. Daddy you made sure I was safe, and happy. Don't get me wrong, you didn't have to be so hard all the time. I knew why you did it though, you wanted me to have more. Saw my potential even at a young age. Tisiphani... Is the name you gave me. I realized after looking it up, why it was so important for me to be called by the name one of the Erinyes. But dad I've always wanted to know... What happened? You not only left mom, but you left me? I was the baby girl. Your youngest daughter and you left me at the time I needed you most. I had just started dating and could have used my dad's guidance. Not just the passing advice you would give as you would call ever 3 months... But I needed my daddy. Even now... You live down the street and I barely see you. My son only knows you as "Pee-Paw... on the wall". That's not fair. I know you thought mom was telling us about you and what you were going through but, to be fair she never did. I only found out the truth about the past recently as an adult, and I still don't care. You're my dad and that will never change.
Mom I thank you for your strength and determination as a child. I really needed that. You struggled after daddy left, but hell I thought we were rich. Eating cereal for dinner was a fun treat for me... I didn't know it was all we had. Your love made me feel like I could go out and conquer the world. In fact it still does and I'm working on that conquering part. Mom I just wanted to tell you how as much as I appreciate what you did when I was young... it may be time for you to let go. I love how involved with your grandson you are, and how you just want to make sure I'm taken care of. But I need you to know, you raised a great lady... now let me be a woman. I will never disrespect you cause you are my MOTHER... but when I say no. That's what I mean. You taught me to mean what I say and say what I mean. That's what I am doing. I know I do somethings differently from you, engage in activities you avoid, and am all around more outgoing... Respect me for that. Allow me to be me, to make my own mistakes and get messy. I know you just want to protect me, but realize this... You raised me so well that I know in order to grow some mistakes... I JUST HAVE TO MAKE on my own, but guess what I will learn from them. Mom I'm a risk taker, and yes it has led me to getting hurt. But it won't stop me from taking more risks and trying harder.
Basically what I am saying guys is I love you BOTH. For who you are, and who I am... I honor my mother and father. I just need you to honor and except me too.
Love your daughter,
Tisiphani
30 Letters, 30 days... Day 2- To my crush
Dear Crush:
I have been wanting to speak up for a while now... But for some reason I just can't bring myself to take it that place. I see you so often and sometimes wonder if you're looking at me or just through me. I know I always see cool, calm, collected and professional when I do open my mouth, but its just an act. I actually go into auto pilot just so I don't have to think about what I am saying... Too afraid I may blurt out how beautiful you are... inside and out. How your giving back to the community inspires me to do more... How your hard work makes me proud... Tell you how bad I just want to press my lips against yours or spank you on the azz cause your butt is so damn cute. Truthfully, I find myself wondering what you're doing, or who you're dating. Not in a nosey sense, but more I just want her to be good to you. If she adored you 1/2 as much as I do, I know you'll have no problems.
Its funny that its so hard for me to approach you, I'm really not a shy person. Hell I'm a professional dancer for Christ's sake... but dancing in front of thousands is easy when compared to a passing glance from you. Seems like I know so much about you... But I don't think you know anything about me. If you took the time to really get past the surface, my representative... Who knows where this could go.
Crushing on you,
Tisiphani
I have been wanting to speak up for a while now... But for some reason I just can't bring myself to take it that place. I see you so often and sometimes wonder if you're looking at me or just through me. I know I always see cool, calm, collected and professional when I do open my mouth, but its just an act. I actually go into auto pilot just so I don't have to think about what I am saying... Too afraid I may blurt out how beautiful you are... inside and out. How your giving back to the community inspires me to do more... How your hard work makes me proud... Tell you how bad I just want to press my lips against yours or spank you on the azz cause your butt is so damn cute. Truthfully, I find myself wondering what you're doing, or who you're dating. Not in a nosey sense, but more I just want her to be good to you. If she adored you 1/2 as much as I do, I know you'll have no problems.
Its funny that its so hard for me to approach you, I'm really not a shy person. Hell I'm a professional dancer for Christ's sake... but dancing in front of thousands is easy when compared to a passing glance from you. Seems like I know so much about you... But I don't think you know anything about me. If you took the time to really get past the surface, my representative... Who knows where this could go.
Crushing on you,
Tisiphani
Monday, July 5, 2010
30 Letters in 30 Days... Day 1-My Best Friend
To My Best Friend:
This one is probably going to be the easiest letter I've ever written. Yes I do have several people I would consider to be really great friends... A couple I would even call my best friends. Still this letter goes out to the one friend who has never walked away during a bad situation, judged me, talked about me etc. Yes if you were looking for a juicy story this is not the letter you want to read.
I am talking about my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, who died so that my sins may be forgiven. I have been through a lot in my life... and I do mean A LOT!!! So I have no choice but to believe there is someone who is looking out for me.
As the saying goes, God doesn't put more on you than you can bare... It makes me think, Lord you've made me into a really strong woman. For whom much is given much is expected... and I'm trying to give it all I've got. Its my life... I only get one, one chance, one shot to make it count. So Lord I'm really only writting you not to ask for anything, but to say thank you...
Thank you for dieing for my sins, thank you for your forgiveness and your blessings. Lord you have given so much, I thank you.
Amen
This one is probably going to be the easiest letter I've ever written. Yes I do have several people I would consider to be really great friends... A couple I would even call my best friends. Still this letter goes out to the one friend who has never walked away during a bad situation, judged me, talked about me etc. Yes if you were looking for a juicy story this is not the letter you want to read.
I am talking about my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, who died so that my sins may be forgiven. I have been through a lot in my life... and I do mean A LOT!!! So I have no choice but to believe there is someone who is looking out for me.
As the saying goes, God doesn't put more on you than you can bare... It makes me think, Lord you've made me into a really strong woman. For whom much is given much is expected... and I'm trying to give it all I've got. Its my life... I only get one, one chance, one shot to make it count. So Lord I'm really only writting you not to ask for anything, but to say thank you...
Thank you for dieing for my sins, thank you for your forgiveness and your blessings. Lord you have given so much, I thank you.
Amen
30 Letters in 30 days... Day 0
I just want to thank 2 people for allowing me to use this idea on my blog... Britnie K. and her best friend Chauncey B. Otherwise known as @iambak and @tuckfwitter on twitter.com
Its a beautiful idea and I know its going to allow me to get a lot of shit off my chest.
So for the next 30 days I am going to write 30letters.
Day 1: Your Best Friend
Day 2: Your Crush
Day 3: Your parents
Day 4: Your siblings (or closest relative)
Day 5: Your dreams
Day 6: A stranger
Day 7: Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love
Day 8: Your favorite internet friend
Day 9: Someone you wish you could beet
Day 10: Someone you don't talk to as much as you would like
Day 11: Someone who is deceased
Day 12: The person who caused you a lot of pain
Day 13: Someone you wish you could forgive
Day 14: Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15: The person you miss the most
Day 16: Someone that's not in your state or country
Day 17: Someone from your childhood
Day 18: The person you wish you could be
Day 19: Someone that pesters your mind- good/bad
Day 20: The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21: Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22: SOmeone you want to give a second chance
Day 23: The last person you kissed
Day 24: THe person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25: The person you know is going through the worst of times
Day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise with
Day 27: The friendliest person you knew only for a day
Day 28: Someone that changed your life
Day 29: The person that you want to tell everything to, but were too afraid
Day 30: Your reflection in the mirror
Its a beautiful idea and I know its going to allow me to get a lot of shit off my chest.
So for the next 30 days I am going to write 30letters.
Day 1: Your Best Friend
Day 2: Your Crush
Day 3: Your parents
Day 4: Your siblings (or closest relative)
Day 5: Your dreams
Day 6: A stranger
Day 7: Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love
Day 8: Your favorite internet friend
Day 9: Someone you wish you could beet
Day 10: Someone you don't talk to as much as you would like
Day 11: Someone who is deceased
Day 12: The person who caused you a lot of pain
Day 13: Someone you wish you could forgive
Day 14: Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15: The person you miss the most
Day 16: Someone that's not in your state or country
Day 17: Someone from your childhood
Day 18: The person you wish you could be
Day 19: Someone that pesters your mind- good/bad
Day 20: The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21: Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22: SOmeone you want to give a second chance
Day 23: The last person you kissed
Day 24: THe person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25: The person you know is going through the worst of times
Day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise with
Day 27: The friendliest person you knew only for a day
Day 28: Someone that changed your life
Day 29: The person that you want to tell everything to, but were too afraid
Day 30: Your reflection in the mirror
This is going to be interesting... I wonder how many of these letters will end up being to the same person...
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