I'm finding a different path... I'm finding my way. And I love it. I realized what's really important and am going for it with full force. It took some time, and I don't really know why. But I'm starting to find that the "why" is not that important. What's important is the journey and finally the destination.
In finding my way I've discovered a few self truths... What I think of myself is the most important thing... Can I live with myself doing this? Can I live with myself for not doing that? Can I squash the self doubt, when I know I'm doing the right thing?
Of course these questions seem like no brainers, but for a people pleaser and closeted perfectionist like myself... Its really not that easy. I love to make others happy, and prove that I am the great person they think I am. But I'm doing a disservice to my self. Its not fair, and not right. So how do I move past this thing that I've implanted in my brain and move on? I take a journey that involves pleasing me, myself and I. Cause that's really all I've got in the end. To paraphrase Beyonce.
It started off simply by me deciding to go natural. Then when I thought I had a handle on things other people got in my ear. Telling me this was dumb, I look crazy, ghetto, and disheveled. This was hard for me to hear. I'm so used to everyone agreeing with me, and loving what I do. I took it hard. Especially from the people that were near and dear to my heart. Still for some reason I pressed on, even if only to prove to them this was a good idea. Somehow I turned my natural hair journey into something that was about everyone else and not me...
Then I had my son, and really lost myself. Everything I did was about him, for him and with him... Which honestly is not a bad thing. I'm a mother, and single at that. It was supposed to be about my baby. But again what about me... and what I wanted. At this point my dressing wasn't the same, my hair fell to the bottom of my to do list and my nails... HA!!! they had more chips than ever. It was ridiculous. I looked at myself in the mirror one day and didn't recognize who I'd become. I was not longer Tisiphani. I'd become, Tigger's mom... The lady with the 'fro. And my personal favorite.... That one natural chick. I'd lost my IDENTITY... and now its time for me to claim it once again.
Hence finding my way back to me... I'm still natural and I have no reservations about staying this way. I love my hair, and reflect on my reason for kicking the creamy crack. Simply put... BECAUSE I WANTED TO DAMN IT!!!
Now this is going to be an awkward transition after that... But I've found my way back to God. No I never walked away from him, I've always been a Christian although I am still human I fall sometimes. I mess up, I put the fact that I'm a child of God in the back of my mind. Wrong place for it to be. It should always be in the forefront. I need to wear it like a badge of honor. YEAH I FALL, BUT BABY I KNOW HOW TO GET BACK UP AGAIN. I look to the heavens from which cometh my help. Ask for it... and when its in his will I will have it. I trust it and believe it. With more Faith than that of a mustard seed I hold on steadfast to my belief and my GOD! Yet I realized it takes more than that; I need my relationship with God to grow. I need us to be on the same page, I need to feel closer to him, have a deeper connection. So how do I do that? I go back to school. Sunday school that is... Bible study. I seek Him. I run to Him. I chase Him. I yearn for His love.
Now for something a little more... how do I say this... SUPERFICIAL. Yeah I know, another awkward transition. Okay so how do I find my sense of style? How do I look in the mirror and recognize myself. How do I look in the mirror and be comfortable with who I see. Yeah this is about how I dress, do my hair, my nails and how I present myself. But as I journey/experiment until I once again know, I realize its about the inside. Spiritual and physical being. So I change up my eating pattern and start to work out again. (Which is a blessing considering I couldn't walk 9 months ago) I'm feeling a little better, but I'm not there yet. So I said it once and I'll say it again.... I'm finding a different path, I'm finding my way. And I love it.
Tisiphani Once Again
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
WHO THE HELL CARES!?!?!
So I'm looking at my life over the last year and there have been a lot of hard times... and anyone who knows me can attest to that. My injury, 3 deaths in the family, haters in every facet of my life.
Yet I have come to realize I haven't been dwelling on all the good in my life. Finding myself instead harping on the fact that I still can't dance; strings of bad dates; fighting for a pre-school spot; not getting the accolades that I'm do... Then I realize- WHO THE HELL CARES!?!?!
I have so much good in my life right now that none of the other stuff even starts to matter. Why would I keep dwelling on that? I just moved into a new place, about to buy a home, traveling again and putting my family back together. Out of all the bad there are several silver linings and I haven't been able to enjoy the beautiful forest for all of the trees. When I realized this fact my prayers go from Lord give me strength to endure, offer me patience and give me the tough skin I need to get through... to Thank you God for my quiet strength, my learned patience, my serenity and sanity. THANK YOU.
I no longer ask him to keep my haters quiet and off my back. I thank him for them, and want him to keep them coming and make their chants louder as they help me to remember what my goals are. They keep me focused on what is really important, and remind me that I am doing what's right. If I wasn't they wouldn't have anything to talk about right.
So if you're finding yourself dwelling on the problems and constantly telling God how big your situation is... Change things around, just this once. And tell your situation how big your GOD is.
Try this... got a funeral to attend don't cry for the person in the casket, they're gone. Make yourself cry laughing at all the funny things they did when they were here. Enjoy the family that you haven't seen in years.
Gained a little winter weight... Don't fret. Think about it this way, its the perfect excuse to go out shopping for a few new clothes to fit your new curvier body.
Pimples popping up and making a home on your face. Why not treat yourself to a wonderful facial at the new local hot spa... Hell it could count as a doctor's visit and get you out of work... (Okay maybe not, but it sure sounds like a good idea right?)
Kids just won't leave you with a moments peace... Look at it like this they love you and the time you share. Tomorrow isn't promised so enjoy every minute of it today.
Yet I have come to realize I haven't been dwelling on all the good in my life. Finding myself instead harping on the fact that I still can't dance; strings of bad dates; fighting for a pre-school spot; not getting the accolades that I'm do... Then I realize- WHO THE HELL CARES!?!?!
I have so much good in my life right now that none of the other stuff even starts to matter. Why would I keep dwelling on that? I just moved into a new place, about to buy a home, traveling again and putting my family back together. Out of all the bad there are several silver linings and I haven't been able to enjoy the beautiful forest for all of the trees. When I realized this fact my prayers go from Lord give me strength to endure, offer me patience and give me the tough skin I need to get through... to Thank you God for my quiet strength, my learned patience, my serenity and sanity. THANK YOU.
I no longer ask him to keep my haters quiet and off my back. I thank him for them, and want him to keep them coming and make their chants louder as they help me to remember what my goals are. They keep me focused on what is really important, and remind me that I am doing what's right. If I wasn't they wouldn't have anything to talk about right.
So if you're finding yourself dwelling on the problems and constantly telling God how big your situation is... Change things around, just this once. And tell your situation how big your GOD is.
Try this... got a funeral to attend don't cry for the person in the casket, they're gone. Make yourself cry laughing at all the funny things they did when they were here. Enjoy the family that you haven't seen in years.
Gained a little winter weight... Don't fret. Think about it this way, its the perfect excuse to go out shopping for a few new clothes to fit your new curvier body.
Pimples popping up and making a home on your face. Why not treat yourself to a wonderful facial at the new local hot spa... Hell it could count as a doctor's visit and get you out of work... (Okay maybe not, but it sure sounds like a good idea right?)
Kids just won't leave you with a moments peace... Look at it like this they love you and the time you share. Tomorrow isn't promised so enjoy every minute of it today.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
DATING DO's & DON'T's
Alright I'm starting to date again after a lovely 2 year hiatus... But things are not as fun as one would expect. I'm encountering things that I think are so basic, that every person who is single and looking for a potential mate should know and understand. I mean I know that I have some special circumstances all because I am a single mother. I understand that's going to be an issue...
First off -- Men if you ask a woman on a date... Take her on a date. The first date should NEVER be a movie and a boxed pizza at your place. I understand the economy is bad, but you can not be serious. Telling me its a way to get to know each other in an intimate setting is really not going to work. We're adults... don't ask a woman out if you can't afford the date.
My advice -- There are ways to date someone without spending money. I had a professor who used to say go to Olive Garden and order water. Then chow down on the free breadsticks and salad. Only now a days the restaurant must have gotten hip to that one, since they now offer the all you can eat breadsticks and salad lunch option. Seriously though, you can work out together, take a stroll through a park, go to a concert in the park, or a museum. If you live in Milwaukee you can get in free one time everymonth, schedule your dates around that month and she'll think you're cultured... Hell the zoo even lets you in free once a month. Hey if you park on the street you can avoid paying those high azz parking fees too.
NEXT- Watch your hands... Stop rubbing and touching so much. Its a first date, not a license to feel me up. I should not have to play slap hands with you all night. And no its not a funny joke we're sharing, I'm serious. By the way, if I take longer than 10 minutes in the restroom, there are 2 reasons for it. 1) I'm gone... No stopping no pausing just getting the hell on. 2) I'm setting up my emergency phone call and ditching you the polite way. Also If you are lucky enough to get a kiss leave it at that. Don't push too hard or that first kiss will end up being your last.
My advice -- Allow the woman to set the pace. We know within the first 5 minutes how far we're willing to take things. Trust and believe we will let you know. Still if you push past the limit.. you're done.
WARNING -- Watch flamboyant tendencies.... This one is going to upset a few people, but I really don't effing care. I have no problem with another person's sexual preference unless you're trying to date me. I don't want a downlow brother, nor am I into bisexual men. So if you're in either category keep it moving. Now if you're not in these categories watch your behavior. If a woman doesn't know you... the gay jokes, and gay man demonstrations will be a little too much. I don't know you or your style of joking so I'm taking notes. If you're a little too good at it, I may start to wonder, and then wander off.
My advice -- Only two things if you're a man who dates other men... say that upfront. A woman should be fully informed about who she is spending her time with. Its not fair to keep your lifestyle a secret. Second BE REAL WITH YOURSELF. Stop hiding because of what people may think, stop being a COWARD!!! YEAH I SAID IT SO WHAT!?! Wanna fight about it? I didn't think so.
Finally -- This is just for my single moms and the men who are strong enough to date them. Understand you are NOT my first priority: my child is. Which means my time is valuable. You will FAIL by asking me to ditch my kid. Also don't ask to spend time with my child... First it makes you look like a creepy perv and I will quickly put you on the text block and don't answer lists. Okay maybe I'm jumping the gun... but I'm the protector. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Understand this... you do NOT get that honor of meeting/spending time with my child right off the back. I don't even know if I like you on the first few dates... so what makes you think I'm going to bring you into my child's life. You've got to earn a spot in my heart, in order to even get an introduction to my baby. Also don't tell me you can be a great dad to my kid... GTFOH!!! He has a daddy, we don't need you for that. Plus the first few dates are a LONG WAY off from being a blended family.
LETS KEEP IT REAL,
Tisiphani
First off -- Men if you ask a woman on a date... Take her on a date. The first date should NEVER be a movie and a boxed pizza at your place. I understand the economy is bad, but you can not be serious. Telling me its a way to get to know each other in an intimate setting is really not going to work. We're adults... don't ask a woman out if you can't afford the date.
My advice -- There are ways to date someone without spending money. I had a professor who used to say go to Olive Garden and order water. Then chow down on the free breadsticks and salad. Only now a days the restaurant must have gotten hip to that one, since they now offer the all you can eat breadsticks and salad lunch option. Seriously though, you can work out together, take a stroll through a park, go to a concert in the park, or a museum. If you live in Milwaukee you can get in free one time everymonth, schedule your dates around that month and she'll think you're cultured... Hell the zoo even lets you in free once a month. Hey if you park on the street you can avoid paying those high azz parking fees too.
NEXT- Watch your hands... Stop rubbing and touching so much. Its a first date, not a license to feel me up. I should not have to play slap hands with you all night. And no its not a funny joke we're sharing, I'm serious. By the way, if I take longer than 10 minutes in the restroom, there are 2 reasons for it. 1) I'm gone... No stopping no pausing just getting the hell on. 2) I'm setting up my emergency phone call and ditching you the polite way. Also If you are lucky enough to get a kiss leave it at that. Don't push too hard or that first kiss will end up being your last.
My advice -- Allow the woman to set the pace. We know within the first 5 minutes how far we're willing to take things. Trust and believe we will let you know. Still if you push past the limit.. you're done.
WARNING -- Watch flamboyant tendencies.... This one is going to upset a few people, but I really don't effing care. I have no problem with another person's sexual preference unless you're trying to date me. I don't want a downlow brother, nor am I into bisexual men. So if you're in either category keep it moving. Now if you're not in these categories watch your behavior. If a woman doesn't know you... the gay jokes, and gay man demonstrations will be a little too much. I don't know you or your style of joking so I'm taking notes. If you're a little too good at it, I may start to wonder, and then wander off.
My advice -- Only two things if you're a man who dates other men... say that upfront. A woman should be fully informed about who she is spending her time with. Its not fair to keep your lifestyle a secret. Second BE REAL WITH YOURSELF. Stop hiding because of what people may think, stop being a COWARD!!! YEAH I SAID IT SO WHAT!?! Wanna fight about it? I didn't think so.
Finally -- This is just for my single moms and the men who are strong enough to date them. Understand you are NOT my first priority: my child is. Which means my time is valuable. You will FAIL by asking me to ditch my kid. Also don't ask to spend time with my child... First it makes you look like a creepy perv and I will quickly put you on the text block and don't answer lists. Okay maybe I'm jumping the gun... but I'm the protector. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Understand this... you do NOT get that honor of meeting/spending time with my child right off the back. I don't even know if I like you on the first few dates... so what makes you think I'm going to bring you into my child's life. You've got to earn a spot in my heart, in order to even get an introduction to my baby. Also don't tell me you can be a great dad to my kid... GTFOH!!! He has a daddy, we don't need you for that. Plus the first few dates are a LONG WAY off from being a blended family.
LETS KEEP IT REAL,
Tisiphani
Monday, September 6, 2010
All over the place...
I'm trying to retrain myself to just work on one thing at a time... Which by the way is not going so well since I am actually supposed to be working and learning a new position. Anyway I digress. I'm retraining my brain to focus on the task at hand and learning how to better organize my life. I have always been just a random, off the cuff, creative free thinker. I am not ashamed of it, in fact I am probably the best multi-tasker you'll meet.
I love just going with the flow of life and doing what my body, mind and spirit tell me to. Is that so wrong, I find that usually I am a lot happier doing that. But I do have some goals that I want to reach in the next few years so the free spirit thing will have to take a back seat for now. While I try to get organized and accomplish what a few are calling damn near impossible... more on that to come. I'm going to start by putting myself on a schedule and working my azz off to follow it. If you really know me... I hate scheduling my life. I know what I have to do and I'm there... but to just follow a fully planned week is going to be hard for me... but I'm starting this week... HERE WE GO... Tell you how this crap goes... No really I'm excited I think I will be able to get a hell of a lot done by really planning out my time... My blackberry may not like all the extra memory I'll be using though... LOL
I love just going with the flow of life and doing what my body, mind and spirit tell me to. Is that so wrong, I find that usually I am a lot happier doing that. But I do have some goals that I want to reach in the next few years so the free spirit thing will have to take a back seat for now. While I try to get organized and accomplish what a few are calling damn near impossible... more on that to come. I'm going to start by putting myself on a schedule and working my azz off to follow it. If you really know me... I hate scheduling my life. I know what I have to do and I'm there... but to just follow a fully planned week is going to be hard for me... but I'm starting this week... HERE WE GO... Tell you how this crap goes... No really I'm excited I think I will be able to get a hell of a lot done by really planning out my time... My blackberry may not like all the extra memory I'll be using though... LOL
Friday, August 27, 2010
Expanding my options
So I've always been told that I am "Extremely Picky" when it comes to dating... And I'll admit I really am. I love men but I'm not willing to date someone who doesn't know God, doesn't respect himself/others, and who isn't responsible enough to take care of himself... Technically that's not asking too much. But when you consider all the people that I turn down its insane.
I actually realized something the other day. I haven't dated outside my race, EVER. Not on purpose but I just haven't. I figured out that it has something to do with what my father used to say... "Make sure when you bring home kids, they're as dark as you and me." Never thought that a statement could have such an impact. He never said it to my brothers just me... over and over again... So maybe it had some psychological effect on me, that I didn't realize until now.
Now all be it I have been attracted to members of other races just never acted on it. Even been asked out a number of times, but still never pursued. But as I was talking with some of my girlfriends the other day, they just asked me... Why not taste a little sugar, or get some caramel in your life? After all many of them are married... more than a few to people who are not black. Even my white girlfriends are with black or hispanic men... Long story short we're sort of a rainbow of couples.
In actuality its really beautiful. So I decided, why not open up my options and see what bites. And just like that my "friend" asks me out. Now its funny cause I've known this guy for a while and he never said a word until now. Could he read the fact that I'm moving outside my comfort zone. I'm not sure but we'll see where this little escapade will lead.
Playing the field,
Tisiphani
I actually realized something the other day. I haven't dated outside my race, EVER. Not on purpose but I just haven't. I figured out that it has something to do with what my father used to say... "Make sure when you bring home kids, they're as dark as you and me." Never thought that a statement could have such an impact. He never said it to my brothers just me... over and over again... So maybe it had some psychological effect on me, that I didn't realize until now.
Now all be it I have been attracted to members of other races just never acted on it. Even been asked out a number of times, but still never pursued. But as I was talking with some of my girlfriends the other day, they just asked me... Why not taste a little sugar, or get some caramel in your life? After all many of them are married... more than a few to people who are not black. Even my white girlfriends are with black or hispanic men... Long story short we're sort of a rainbow of couples.
In actuality its really beautiful. So I decided, why not open up my options and see what bites. And just like that my "friend" asks me out. Now its funny cause I've known this guy for a while and he never said a word until now. Could he read the fact that I'm moving outside my comfort zone. I'm not sure but we'll see where this little escapade will lead.
Playing the field,
Tisiphani
Monday, August 23, 2010
Am I a Nag?!?!
I am trying to learn how to speak to those people I find so beautiful... My counter part in this world the Black Man. Before you all start going off about how I discriminate, let me explain. My daddy is black, my brothers are black, my Papa and goddaddy are black and so is my son. So yes I have a huge place in my heart for the brotha.
With that being said I have a major problem... My MOUTH. I have such high expectations for Black men that I tend to push, and push hard. I push my brothers, son, and men I date. Its not that I am trying to get on their nerves, or even compete with them... I am really just trying to help them become the best at whatever. I understand that things can be hard, I know that the world will beat a man down until he is just a shell... but I want the men (specifically black men) in my life to know... IF NO ONE ELSE BELIEVES IN YOU... I AM HERE FOR YOU!
But I like many women have been told I can be a nag... WHAT?! This sometimes confuses me, my brothers are fine with my motivation and so are most of the men in my family... But when it comes to some of the men I date... They can not take it. If you say you're looking for a job... I'll say let me help with your resume. If you say I'm looking for a job... I'll ask where. How is that nagging? If you tell me your dream is to own your on construction business, I will say how do you plan to start.... I don't think this is nagging. To me its more of a way to get you to think about your next step. I'm not going to sugar coat BS either. If you tell me baby I'm looking for a job, yet you've been on the couch all day in your pjs... I'm going to say people don't advertise job openings on tv... Just saying. Or I'm starting my own business and you have done no research on the industry... I want to know how this is going to happen. I'm not trying to have someone sitting in my face flat out lying to me all the time...
Say what you mean and mean what you say... And don't fault me on believing you when you tell me you're going to do something. I'm just going off your word, and your word is really all you have.
Quick story -- my cousin didn't speak to me for about 2 years. All because I asked him if he liked jail...
Here's how it went down:
Me: Hey cuz glad you're out... how long you plan on being free this time
Cuz: Man I hate jail I aint trying to go back to dat Bitch..
Me: You sure? As much as you go in... I figured it was something in there you like.
Cuz: Dude whatever STFU
Me: No for real; Do you like it? You got a man in there or something... Or is it just easy to be a lazy ass cuz you're always being told what to do...
Cuz: See you on that bullshit cuz... I try to stay out, but its hard when you can't get a job and people always fucking with you.
Me: MOFO Please... you had a job at McDonad's last time you were out. Had the whole family supporting you mentally and financially. But you stole money from the safe... like you couldn't get it from any one of your peeps... Knowing you'd get caught cause they told you about the cameras... REALLY? You wanted to go back...
Cuz: FUCK YOU CUZ...
Okay so maybe that wasn't the best story... I was sort of being a sarcastic ass there... but you get my point.
So give it to me straight.... AM I A NAG?
With that being said I have a major problem... My MOUTH. I have such high expectations for Black men that I tend to push, and push hard. I push my brothers, son, and men I date. Its not that I am trying to get on their nerves, or even compete with them... I am really just trying to help them become the best at whatever. I understand that things can be hard, I know that the world will beat a man down until he is just a shell... but I want the men (specifically black men) in my life to know... IF NO ONE ELSE BELIEVES IN YOU... I AM HERE FOR YOU!
But I like many women have been told I can be a nag... WHAT?! This sometimes confuses me, my brothers are fine with my motivation and so are most of the men in my family... But when it comes to some of the men I date... They can not take it. If you say you're looking for a job... I'll say let me help with your resume. If you say I'm looking for a job... I'll ask where. How is that nagging? If you tell me your dream is to own your on construction business, I will say how do you plan to start.... I don't think this is nagging. To me its more of a way to get you to think about your next step. I'm not going to sugar coat BS either. If you tell me baby I'm looking for a job, yet you've been on the couch all day in your pjs... I'm going to say people don't advertise job openings on tv... Just saying. Or I'm starting my own business and you have done no research on the industry... I want to know how this is going to happen. I'm not trying to have someone sitting in my face flat out lying to me all the time...
Say what you mean and mean what you say... And don't fault me on believing you when you tell me you're going to do something. I'm just going off your word, and your word is really all you have.
Quick story -- my cousin didn't speak to me for about 2 years. All because I asked him if he liked jail...
Here's how it went down:
Me: Hey cuz glad you're out... how long you plan on being free this time
Cuz: Man I hate jail I aint trying to go back to dat Bitch..
Me: You sure? As much as you go in... I figured it was something in there you like.
Cuz: Dude whatever STFU
Me: No for real; Do you like it? You got a man in there or something... Or is it just easy to be a lazy ass cuz you're always being told what to do...
Cuz: See you on that bullshit cuz... I try to stay out, but its hard when you can't get a job and people always fucking with you.
Me: MOFO Please... you had a job at McDonad's last time you were out. Had the whole family supporting you mentally and financially. But you stole money from the safe... like you couldn't get it from any one of your peeps... Knowing you'd get caught cause they told you about the cameras... REALLY? You wanted to go back...
Cuz: FUCK YOU CUZ...
Okay so maybe that wasn't the best story... I was sort of being a sarcastic ass there... but you get my point.
So give it to me straight.... AM I A NAG?
Monday, August 2, 2010
Day 20... Someone who broke you heart the hardest
I knew when I wrote these letters I would have a few addressed to the same person, but here we go again. I'm again writing to my ex from Day 7.
Dear **Still not giving out his name**
This is the second time I'm writing you, since for some reason you decided to contact me. I'm not sure if you read the first letter and realized it was about you or if I was really just on your mind.
I loved you once... Hell I was head over heels in love with you. Finally I got over that hurt I felt in my heart and found a way to forgive you. Maybe it was the space, maybe it was the distance, maybe it was time... for all I know it was an act of God. Whatever it was it worked. I was done and even moved on. Then you contacted me and my head began to spin with all sorts of ideas on how we could make a relationship work. Try again for the sake of love. LOVE what am I talking about I'm over you, or so I thought.
This love crap is for the birds. It feels like I could fall in love with you all over again. Maybe its nostalgia... What I do know is that I still have love in my heart for you. I realize that above all we had way more good times than bad. Yes I wrote a list and figured that out. Even tried to doctor it a few times and make the bad outweigh the good but it doesn't and never will. That's probably why it was so hard to let you go the first time. People always say to leave the past in the past, but how can I when you continue to creep back into my life, thoughts and dreams.
Sometimes I wish that you would just leave me alone while at the same time praying that you won't. That's an effed up statement I know but you know me and my honesty. I can't help it sometimes the truth just blurts out even when it hurts me. Out of all my past relationships you're really the only person I can't keep an open friendship with, because I know where it will head... "Straight to your mother's bed." (Kidding that Biggie song just popped in my head.)
Anyway, I can't really say what I want because even I don't know. I just know this whatever will be will be. I have let go... so that I can let God.
Tisiphani
Dear **Still not giving out his name**
This is the second time I'm writing you, since for some reason you decided to contact me. I'm not sure if you read the first letter and realized it was about you or if I was really just on your mind.
I loved you once... Hell I was head over heels in love with you. Finally I got over that hurt I felt in my heart and found a way to forgive you. Maybe it was the space, maybe it was the distance, maybe it was time... for all I know it was an act of God. Whatever it was it worked. I was done and even moved on. Then you contacted me and my head began to spin with all sorts of ideas on how we could make a relationship work. Try again for the sake of love. LOVE what am I talking about I'm over you, or so I thought.
This love crap is for the birds. It feels like I could fall in love with you all over again. Maybe its nostalgia... What I do know is that I still have love in my heart for you. I realize that above all we had way more good times than bad. Yes I wrote a list and figured that out. Even tried to doctor it a few times and make the bad outweigh the good but it doesn't and never will. That's probably why it was so hard to let you go the first time. People always say to leave the past in the past, but how can I when you continue to creep back into my life, thoughts and dreams.
Sometimes I wish that you would just leave me alone while at the same time praying that you won't. That's an effed up statement I know but you know me and my honesty. I can't help it sometimes the truth just blurts out even when it hurts me. Out of all my past relationships you're really the only person I can't keep an open friendship with, because I know where it will head... "Straight to your mother's bed." (Kidding that Biggie song just popped in my head.)
Anyway, I can't really say what I want because even I don't know. I just know this whatever will be will be. I have let go... so that I can let God.
Tisiphani
Day 19... Someone that pesters you good/bad
This one I could go off on a major rant. It wouldn't be hard because I am a Baby's Momma. Honestly before you judge I don't think the term "baby momma" is a bad. Hell if I was married I would still be my baby's Momma so who cares. Instead of repeating myself check out an earlier blog I wrote before I started these letters.
In the Beginning: The Truth about Baby Momma Drama
In the Beginning: The Truth about Baby Momma Drama
Day 18... The person I wish I could be
This letter is really hard for me to write. In fact I have been going back and forth about it for a while. The person I wish I could be... First of all I don't make wishes, I pray then work my faith. For example I want to new job... I pray on it, then work on my resume, send it off, follow up with phone calls etc. I guess writing this letter is really a mute point considering I've already written a letter to myself figuring out where I may have gone wrong... So what I will do is let you in on my prayer for self... LIKE I SAID I DON'T MAKE WISHES!!!
Dear God-
It is your humble servant Tisiphani. I know I don't always do right, but I'm working on that. Please help me with my flaws and all. Lord I see myself in a certain place -- a place where I'm not and a place I don't know how to get to. I thought that by 30 I would be further in my career, opening my studio, and married with 2/3 kids. Obviously this was not in your plan for me at this time, but I figured since you keep allowing me to have the dream maybe its just delayed. I'm not sure and I don't want to put words in your mouth but I know that Faith without work is dead. So I put my faith in your Father. Help me as I work my tail off to get where I know I can be.
Dear God help me to be a better Christian, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend... As these are most important. Then Lord I ask you to touch my body and help me to be a better dancer, touch my hands and help me to be a better writer. Lord if its not too much can you also order my steps in your word... I know I can't go out and do this on my own... I need you.
Thanks JC...
Oh and by the way I have this major problem with just saying whatever I want and feel at any given time. Can you help me to hold my tongue and use a little more tact. I'm getting better, but I still have some work to do.
Amen
Dear God-
It is your humble servant Tisiphani. I know I don't always do right, but I'm working on that. Please help me with my flaws and all. Lord I see myself in a certain place -- a place where I'm not and a place I don't know how to get to. I thought that by 30 I would be further in my career, opening my studio, and married with 2/3 kids. Obviously this was not in your plan for me at this time, but I figured since you keep allowing me to have the dream maybe its just delayed. I'm not sure and I don't want to put words in your mouth but I know that Faith without work is dead. So I put my faith in your Father. Help me as I work my tail off to get where I know I can be.
Dear God help me to be a better Christian, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend... As these are most important. Then Lord I ask you to touch my body and help me to be a better dancer, touch my hands and help me to be a better writer. Lord if its not too much can you also order my steps in your word... I know I can't go out and do this on my own... I need you.
Thanks JC...
Oh and by the way I have this major problem with just saying whatever I want and feel at any given time. Can you help me to hold my tongue and use a little more tact. I'm getting better, but I still have some work to do.
Amen
Day 17... Someone from childhood
Dear Amy-
I don't know why you crossed my mind the other day, but I thought I would write to you because there was something I never understood. I never got a chance to ask....
WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN 7TH GRADE?
Okay let me back up... As kids we had a lot of fun hanging around and playing. You were one of the few people that I actually knew and hung around with in the neighborhood. It wasn't easy being the "spoiled ballerina girl" on the block. You understood where I was coming from since they often called you stuck up as you sat out side playing your clarinet. I know 7th grade was a weird time for all of us, puberty hit, we were making more friends and learning more about our art.
I remember the day you whispered "I got my period"... then your azz disappeared for like 2 weeks. Hell once a month you disappeared for at least a week. Who the hell does that? Very soon we realized what was going on, you didn't go to school when it was that time of the month, but girl you didn't even come outside. What was up with that? I would come by the house to check on you, everyone in your house was at home but ya'll wouldn't open the door. I was so confused... just wanted to tell you this ish was normal and most women go through it. Some days I just wanted to give you the homework you missed.
Then it happened your brother said you were changing schools and the family was moving away. Only that wasn't true -- you transferred but the family didn't move. You became the lonely girl on the front steps with no friends. After that it was too strange to approach you, and left you to your life.
I still feel bad sometimes when I ride past your parents house. Feel like I could have tried harder. There were so many rumors about you... but I just ignored them... refused to spread them...
Just want to say THAT WAS DUMB AS HELL to let the first year of your period cause you to fail the 7th grade... Yes I know you failed, child I was nosey as hell. All over teachers desks. All your absences caused you to fail. Who the hell does that?
Just wanted to know--
Tisiphani
I don't know why you crossed my mind the other day, but I thought I would write to you because there was something I never understood. I never got a chance to ask....
WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN 7TH GRADE?
Okay let me back up... As kids we had a lot of fun hanging around and playing. You were one of the few people that I actually knew and hung around with in the neighborhood. It wasn't easy being the "spoiled ballerina girl" on the block. You understood where I was coming from since they often called you stuck up as you sat out side playing your clarinet. I know 7th grade was a weird time for all of us, puberty hit, we were making more friends and learning more about our art.
I remember the day you whispered "I got my period"... then your azz disappeared for like 2 weeks. Hell once a month you disappeared for at least a week. Who the hell does that? Very soon we realized what was going on, you didn't go to school when it was that time of the month, but girl you didn't even come outside. What was up with that? I would come by the house to check on you, everyone in your house was at home but ya'll wouldn't open the door. I was so confused... just wanted to tell you this ish was normal and most women go through it. Some days I just wanted to give you the homework you missed.
Then it happened your brother said you were changing schools and the family was moving away. Only that wasn't true -- you transferred but the family didn't move. You became the lonely girl on the front steps with no friends. After that it was too strange to approach you, and left you to your life.
I still feel bad sometimes when I ride past your parents house. Feel like I could have tried harder. There were so many rumors about you... but I just ignored them... refused to spread them...
Just want to say THAT WAS DUMB AS HELL to let the first year of your period cause you to fail the 7th grade... Yes I know you failed, child I was nosey as hell. All over teachers desks. All your absences caused you to fail. Who the hell does that?
Just wanted to know--
Tisiphani
Day 16... Someone that's not in your state or country
Lamar--
Its so funny to call you friend, after all that we went through sometimes I wonder why the hell we're cool at all. Does that mean we're fooling ourselves and holding on really for the sake of holding on? Lets be real here... Most people who have been through the type of relationship we had end up flat out hating each other real talk. We dated for 2 years and although there were a few good times they were few and far between. I won't go into all the BS cause you still get upset when we talk about our relationship history. "TiTi we did have some good times... Stop acting like that." I think I hear that line every time we talk... I see that line every time we're chatting on line.... Messaging on Facebook whatever. Sometimes I think you're actually trying to convince yourself more so than me.
Anyway I'm only writing you to tell you even after all of the bullish you've put me through... I still don't want anything to happen to you. I pray for you all the time, Lord bring him home, Lord keep him safe... God bring Lamar home to his babies. I think you've grown so much over the years and I can't help but be proud of you. I just don't understand why your tours of duty always end up being so long. What the heck man? You leave for a year... 18 months later you call to tell me your tour has been extended again. Really?!? I need the government to get a normal calendar... since their year seems to have 730 days. This time is no different, I actually get nervous when weeks go by and I haven't heard from you... I really need you to stop doing that. You're over seas fighting for this country I get it I understand it, your free time goes to the kids first... But I need to be somewhere on the list. Even if its just a message saying I'm still alive and made it another day.
Get it together MAN
Tisiphani
Its so funny to call you friend, after all that we went through sometimes I wonder why the hell we're cool at all. Does that mean we're fooling ourselves and holding on really for the sake of holding on? Lets be real here... Most people who have been through the type of relationship we had end up flat out hating each other real talk. We dated for 2 years and although there were a few good times they were few and far between. I won't go into all the BS cause you still get upset when we talk about our relationship history. "TiTi we did have some good times... Stop acting like that." I think I hear that line every time we talk... I see that line every time we're chatting on line.... Messaging on Facebook whatever. Sometimes I think you're actually trying to convince yourself more so than me.
Anyway I'm only writing you to tell you even after all of the bullish you've put me through... I still don't want anything to happen to you. I pray for you all the time, Lord bring him home, Lord keep him safe... God bring Lamar home to his babies. I think you've grown so much over the years and I can't help but be proud of you. I just don't understand why your tours of duty always end up being so long. What the heck man? You leave for a year... 18 months later you call to tell me your tour has been extended again. Really?!? I need the government to get a normal calendar... since their year seems to have 730 days. This time is no different, I actually get nervous when weeks go by and I haven't heard from you... I really need you to stop doing that. You're over seas fighting for this country I get it I understand it, your free time goes to the kids first... But I need to be somewhere on the list. Even if its just a message saying I'm still alive and made it another day.
Get it together MAN
Tisiphani
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Day 15... Some I've drifted away from
Dear Bill-
You know after knowing you for all these years its almost hard to believe that we rarely talk... We've been friends since before we knew what the word actually meant. I guess its been a little weird in the last few years. Our lives have turned out so different from what we dreamed as kids... Lol Remember you were going to be the next Michael Jordan... and I was going to be dancing with the Harlem Ballet. I remember talking about it for what seemed like hours on end underneath the berry bush outside of Pastor's house. We would sneak and pick the berries, eat them and talk about how fun it would be to be a grown up. Then Rob would come up punch me in the arm and we were all off and running. Those were the days.
Its funny our parents always though you and I would end up married one day and never hesitated to remind us of that every single day. Probably why we never actually ended up dating. When your parents try to force something on you... its rebellion time. I don't actually know why we fell off, but I miss you friend. I still remember coming back home and realizing that our berry bush had been cut down. I got a little sad, I looked at the stump and just remembered you and sitting under there. Just enjoying the summer days. Wow that seems like such a long time ago. Can you believe we're 30... OMG remember when you would tease me about being older than me... Like it mattered it was only 6 weeks... buddy.
I know we saw each other last year but we didn't keep in touch like we promised. I just want to have another one of those days... like when we were little. Innocently sitting under the rasberry
bush, sneaking, eating and talking.... I miss it.
Tisiphani
You know after knowing you for all these years its almost hard to believe that we rarely talk... We've been friends since before we knew what the word actually meant. I guess its been a little weird in the last few years. Our lives have turned out so different from what we dreamed as kids... Lol Remember you were going to be the next Michael Jordan... and I was going to be dancing with the Harlem Ballet. I remember talking about it for what seemed like hours on end underneath the berry bush outside of Pastor's house. We would sneak and pick the berries, eat them and talk about how fun it would be to be a grown up. Then Rob would come up punch me in the arm and we were all off and running. Those were the days.
Its funny our parents always though you and I would end up married one day and never hesitated to remind us of that every single day. Probably why we never actually ended up dating. When your parents try to force something on you... its rebellion time. I don't actually know why we fell off, but I miss you friend. I still remember coming back home and realizing that our berry bush had been cut down. I got a little sad, I looked at the stump and just remembered you and sitting under there. Just enjoying the summer days. Wow that seems like such a long time ago. Can you believe we're 30... OMG remember when you would tease me about being older than me... Like it mattered it was only 6 weeks... buddy.
I know we saw each other last year but we didn't keep in touch like we promised. I just want to have another one of those days... like when we were little. Innocently sitting under the rasberry
bush, sneaking, eating and talking.... I miss it.
Tisiphani
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
30 letters, 30 days... Day 13-Someone you've drifted away from.
I've been around but not really. I've been the person everyone expected me to be and that lead me away from you. How could I ever do that when I loved you so much? Truth be told you were everything that I wanted to be. Smart, beautiful, assertive, and so damn determined to get what you want out of life.
There were times when I was amazed just at the way you carried yourself. Head held high no matter what life threw at you. Even in the hardest of times you never let the world know what was going on. I loved how when others would try to tear you down you would come up with a beautiful rebuttal... a rebuttal so well put that the person going against you could only hug you in response. The true beauty of you shined through and negativity didn't even seem to affect you. I loved that about you.
In writing this letter I'm hoping that I am able to find you again. Never was I so lost and hurt until the day I lost you.. The true essence of me. Tisiphani you are not lost only suppressed by the expectations you're putting on yourself. Sweetie its time to release those self given shackles and return to the true essence of self. The only person who can return you to the person you really are is you. I look forward to seeing you again when I look into the mirror.
Welcome back love,
Woman in the Mirror
There were times when I was amazed just at the way you carried yourself. Head held high no matter what life threw at you. Even in the hardest of times you never let the world know what was going on. I loved how when others would try to tear you down you would come up with a beautiful rebuttal... a rebuttal so well put that the person going against you could only hug you in response. The true beauty of you shined through and negativity didn't even seem to affect you. I loved that about you.
In writing this letter I'm hoping that I am able to find you again. Never was I so lost and hurt until the day I lost you.. The true essence of me. Tisiphani you are not lost only suppressed by the expectations you're putting on yourself. Sweetie its time to release those self given shackles and return to the true essence of self. The only person who can return you to the person you really are is you. I look forward to seeing you again when I look into the mirror.
Welcome back love,
Woman in the Mirror
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
30 Letters in 30 Days... Day 13- To someone I wish I could forgive
Person I wish I could forgive:
We were friends for a very long time. I still remember the day I met you. My mother and I decided to head down to the lake front. At that time the water was really dirty so no one actually got in, instead they just played on the beach. For some reason you spotted me... walk over and asked if I wanted to play volley ball. I reluctantly agreed, and when you saw how horrible I was you didn't even laugh. You just pulled me aside and showed me how to spike the ball. That was the beginning of our friendship... and just the beginning of my troubles.
Maybe I should have realized then just how charming you were, or told myself that a man shouldn't be paying this much attention to a young girl. Still I was enjoying the attention. I had never really had a boy let alone a man pay me much attention. Usually when it comes to playing sports I'm never picked, and tend to only watch from the sidelines. I was a disaster so people wouldn't even waste their time trying to teach me anything. So when you came along I was immediately taken.
From then on you kept in touch with me, making sure to closely follow my parents rules, bringing me home on time, not staying on the phone too late and always being polite when you would come over. I was 12 and you were 17. Truth be told you looked a lot younger so its no surprise you fooled my parents. For the next few months you played the role of a perfect friend. Coming around to share a game of Nintendo, playing softball at the park and even taking in a few of my dance recitals.
Then my life changed forever... You told my mom you got your license and would drive me home... She trusted you and so did I. Instead of going straight home we stopped by Kits a local ice cream parlor, then headed home... or so I thought. You drove right past my block to a dark alley. Reached over and kissed me. I thought I was in heaven, it was my first kiss. Then you grabbed my shirt and ripped it off my just developing body... I was confused and terrified. I screamed for you to stop only to be met by your fist in my face. You hit me... I didn't know what to do so I cried... I just cried. The next 20 or so minutes seemed like a lifetime. My virginity was stolen. I thought my parents would hate me, God would punish me and my life would never be the same. I was right about one thing my life was never the same after that.
I kept quiet for so long, my parents were asking why you never came over anymore. I met their inquiries with anger lashing out destroying anything I could get my hands on. My parents had no idea what was going on, I quit dancing because it made me think of that night. I turned from everything I knew that reminded me of that night and of you. Then the scariest day of my life... I saw you again. I came home from school and you were in the living room with my mother telling her you missed me and couldn't wait to see me. I lost it, hitting you with everything I could pick up and screaming about that night all at the same time. My mother realized what happened and call the police. You were arrested, but since I didn't report it earlier, they let you go. Out of jail on lack of evidence. They needed physical evidence to put you in jail. The fact that my innocence had been stolen meant nothing to the law.
I only want to say I will never forgive you... I hate you and everything you are. God have mercy on my soul for the anger in my heart. Truthfully I hope you go straight to hell with gasoline drawers, smoking a cigarette and holding a gas powered lantern.
Fcuk you in the azz with no lube...
Tisiphani
PS... This story is totally false. I couldn't come up with a situation or person that I just can't forgive. So I thought about a situation where I knew forgiveness would be damn near impossible... rape. Rape is a very serious situation, if you have been assaulted you are not alone there is help out there. Don't be ashamed of what happened tell someone immediately. Go to the hospital, there are no judgements only people who want to help you.
Rainn National Rape Crisis Hot line: 800-656-4673
National Youth Crisis Hot line: 800-442-HOPE
These folks will direct you to counselors in your area.
We were friends for a very long time. I still remember the day I met you. My mother and I decided to head down to the lake front. At that time the water was really dirty so no one actually got in, instead they just played on the beach. For some reason you spotted me... walk over and asked if I wanted to play volley ball. I reluctantly agreed, and when you saw how horrible I was you didn't even laugh. You just pulled me aside and showed me how to spike the ball. That was the beginning of our friendship... and just the beginning of my troubles.
Maybe I should have realized then just how charming you were, or told myself that a man shouldn't be paying this much attention to a young girl. Still I was enjoying the attention. I had never really had a boy let alone a man pay me much attention. Usually when it comes to playing sports I'm never picked, and tend to only watch from the sidelines. I was a disaster so people wouldn't even waste their time trying to teach me anything. So when you came along I was immediately taken.
From then on you kept in touch with me, making sure to closely follow my parents rules, bringing me home on time, not staying on the phone too late and always being polite when you would come over. I was 12 and you were 17. Truth be told you looked a lot younger so its no surprise you fooled my parents. For the next few months you played the role of a perfect friend. Coming around to share a game of Nintendo, playing softball at the park and even taking in a few of my dance recitals.
Then my life changed forever... You told my mom you got your license and would drive me home... She trusted you and so did I. Instead of going straight home we stopped by Kits a local ice cream parlor, then headed home... or so I thought. You drove right past my block to a dark alley. Reached over and kissed me. I thought I was in heaven, it was my first kiss. Then you grabbed my shirt and ripped it off my just developing body... I was confused and terrified. I screamed for you to stop only to be met by your fist in my face. You hit me... I didn't know what to do so I cried... I just cried. The next 20 or so minutes seemed like a lifetime. My virginity was stolen. I thought my parents would hate me, God would punish me and my life would never be the same. I was right about one thing my life was never the same after that.
I kept quiet for so long, my parents were asking why you never came over anymore. I met their inquiries with anger lashing out destroying anything I could get my hands on. My parents had no idea what was going on, I quit dancing because it made me think of that night. I turned from everything I knew that reminded me of that night and of you. Then the scariest day of my life... I saw you again. I came home from school and you were in the living room with my mother telling her you missed me and couldn't wait to see me. I lost it, hitting you with everything I could pick up and screaming about that night all at the same time. My mother realized what happened and call the police. You were arrested, but since I didn't report it earlier, they let you go. Out of jail on lack of evidence. They needed physical evidence to put you in jail. The fact that my innocence had been stolen meant nothing to the law.
I only want to say I will never forgive you... I hate you and everything you are. God have mercy on my soul for the anger in my heart. Truthfully I hope you go straight to hell with gasoline drawers, smoking a cigarette and holding a gas powered lantern.
Fcuk you in the azz with no lube...
Tisiphani
PS... This story is totally false. I couldn't come up with a situation or person that I just can't forgive. So I thought about a situation where I knew forgiveness would be damn near impossible... rape. Rape is a very serious situation, if you have been assaulted you are not alone there is help out there. Don't be ashamed of what happened tell someone immediately. Go to the hospital, there are no judgements only people who want to help you.
Rainn National Rape Crisis Hot line: 800-656-4673
National Youth Crisis Hot line: 800-442-HOPE
These folks will direct you to counselors in your area.
30 letters, 30 days... Day 12-To someone who caused me a lot of pain
I knew when I started these letters a few of them would be very hard to write and even harder to publish. Still I decided to press on in order to purge myself of any ill feelings and begin a healing process. I am a Christian which means I am supposed to forgive those who have done me harm and turn the other cheek. At the same time I am human and flawed, so please don't judge me. I would prefer you pray for me and ask God to help heal my heart...
To my one time mentor:
I must admit I've been harboring these ill feelings for some time now. I looked to you for advice, guidance, prayer and encouragement. I held you in high regards as a person who would always be in my corner. For years you provided me with just that, but those were the good times. When the chips were stacked up in my favor. I will admit I even gave you some credit as my success seemed eminent... But something changed. When things went south... you went away. Our friendship, partnership and relationship dissipated.
I still to this day don't understand how that was possible, out of everyone involved in the situation I expected you to HAVE MY BACK. Instead you retreated, took my loss and immediately went into CYA mood. How could you leave me standing alone, and holding onto the burden that you could have helped me to bare. I didn't expect much just a firm hand to hold as I battle my way back to the top. Instead I reached out for you and got a door slammed in my face.
I have forgiven you... even told you to your face how upset I was at the time. I also appreciate your apologies. We both made mistakes and are now realizing how those mistakes have affected the other person. So lets work to get past this pain, reconnect and try harder to understand each other. I'm not sure if our mentor/mentee relationship will ever be as strong as it use to be but I still respect you for what you do.
Tisiphani
We all fall... But I know the true key to life is learning to get back up.
To my one time mentor:
I must admit I've been harboring these ill feelings for some time now. I looked to you for advice, guidance, prayer and encouragement. I held you in high regards as a person who would always be in my corner. For years you provided me with just that, but those were the good times. When the chips were stacked up in my favor. I will admit I even gave you some credit as my success seemed eminent... But something changed. When things went south... you went away. Our friendship, partnership and relationship dissipated.
I still to this day don't understand how that was possible, out of everyone involved in the situation I expected you to HAVE MY BACK. Instead you retreated, took my loss and immediately went into CYA mood. How could you leave me standing alone, and holding onto the burden that you could have helped me to bare. I didn't expect much just a firm hand to hold as I battle my way back to the top. Instead I reached out for you and got a door slammed in my face.
I have forgiven you... even told you to your face how upset I was at the time. I also appreciate your apologies. We both made mistakes and are now realizing how those mistakes have affected the other person. So lets work to get past this pain, reconnect and try harder to understand each other. I'm not sure if our mentor/mentee relationship will ever be as strong as it use to be but I still respect you for what you do.
Tisiphani
We all fall... But I know the true key to life is learning to get back up.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
30 letters, 30 days... Day 11-- To a deceased person-Lorenzo G. Stewart, Jr. RIP
Lord please don't let me cry on this one...
Dear Lorenzo:
The man who taught me that love endures all. The day I found out you died had to be the worst day of my life to date. I still remember telling my mother you hadn't called to let me know you arrived in Tennessee. I got up and called your phone but no answer, so I called your sister. "Happy Christmas Eve. Where is that brother of yours? He hasn't called me today and that's not like him..." What she said next made my heart stop and my knees buckle. "Tisiphani I meant to call you sooner but I didn't know how. Lorenzo never made it... There was an accident." I don't remember exactly what happened after that... Just my brother lifting me up off the ground, screaming at me to tell him what was wrong.... I couldn't talk, couldn't understand, couldn't believe that you were GONE.
It couldn't be... after 8 years we'd finally gotten our act together, and decided that we would be together from now on. We were supposed to spend Christmas with our parents and New Years together... But the New Year never came. Not for me... not that year. I'd lost you, God took you from me and I was so angry. I think I was more upset because I fell asleep and missed that final phone call from you, the one where you said you're almost there and would call as soon as you arrived. The last message you ever left me said... "I love you."
It took a long time for me to accept that you were gone. Your family helped though. When I arrived for your funeral they showered me with love. Accepted me as family and wiped away my tears, even though they were hurting too. I didn't even want to go back to school but mom said Lorenzo wouldn't want you to sit here crying your life away. He didn't make it, but you did. So now you need to live. I buckled down in school and became a true book worm. Changed my major and excelled in everything. I actually made the dean's list for the rest of my time in college. Partly because I just needed to keep busy and focus on something other than the fact that I lost the love I thought would be with me forever.
I've been in relationships since you've passed. Even found myself in love. Yet the best thing that has happened to me is I'm a mommy now. Remember you told me I would be a great mom... I think I'm doing pretty good. I still have yet to find the man to spend the rest of my life with. But I'm open to the possibility. For years after you died I swore I wouldn't fall for another man... I couldn't get married if my name wasn't going to be Mrs. Lorenzo G. Stewart, Jr. For some reason God decided to continue blessing me through my anger, and showed me that love doesn't die. That it was okay to still love you, remember you as long as I lived the life He gave me. So that's what I do... I live life to the fullest. I may do somethings that others look at as a little crazy, but life can be sooo short.
I wanted to let you know I'm alright now. Blessed and in a good place. I know that your in a better place, and as happy as we could have been together it doesn't even compare to how happy you are now. I know that all our time together wasn't the happiest, but those are the times I choose to remember. Every once in a while I still go through your letters... But I no longer cry looking at them. I smile and remember the love.
RIP My love,
Tisiphani
Dear Lorenzo:
The man who taught me that love endures all. The day I found out you died had to be the worst day of my life to date. I still remember telling my mother you hadn't called to let me know you arrived in Tennessee. I got up and called your phone but no answer, so I called your sister. "Happy Christmas Eve. Where is that brother of yours? He hasn't called me today and that's not like him..." What she said next made my heart stop and my knees buckle. "Tisiphani I meant to call you sooner but I didn't know how. Lorenzo never made it... There was an accident." I don't remember exactly what happened after that... Just my brother lifting me up off the ground, screaming at me to tell him what was wrong.... I couldn't talk, couldn't understand, couldn't believe that you were GONE.
It couldn't be... after 8 years we'd finally gotten our act together, and decided that we would be together from now on. We were supposed to spend Christmas with our parents and New Years together... But the New Year never came. Not for me... not that year. I'd lost you, God took you from me and I was so angry. I think I was more upset because I fell asleep and missed that final phone call from you, the one where you said you're almost there and would call as soon as you arrived. The last message you ever left me said... "I love you."
It took a long time for me to accept that you were gone. Your family helped though. When I arrived for your funeral they showered me with love. Accepted me as family and wiped away my tears, even though they were hurting too. I didn't even want to go back to school but mom said Lorenzo wouldn't want you to sit here crying your life away. He didn't make it, but you did. So now you need to live. I buckled down in school and became a true book worm. Changed my major and excelled in everything. I actually made the dean's list for the rest of my time in college. Partly because I just needed to keep busy and focus on something other than the fact that I lost the love I thought would be with me forever.
I've been in relationships since you've passed. Even found myself in love. Yet the best thing that has happened to me is I'm a mommy now. Remember you told me I would be a great mom... I think I'm doing pretty good. I still have yet to find the man to spend the rest of my life with. But I'm open to the possibility. For years after you died I swore I wouldn't fall for another man... I couldn't get married if my name wasn't going to be Mrs. Lorenzo G. Stewart, Jr. For some reason God decided to continue blessing me through my anger, and showed me that love doesn't die. That it was okay to still love you, remember you as long as I lived the life He gave me. So that's what I do... I live life to the fullest. I may do somethings that others look at as a little crazy, but life can be sooo short.
I wanted to let you know I'm alright now. Blessed and in a good place. I know that your in a better place, and as happy as we could have been together it doesn't even compare to how happy you are now. I know that all our time together wasn't the happiest, but those are the times I choose to remember. Every once in a while I still go through your letters... But I no longer cry looking at them. I smile and remember the love.
RIP My love,
Tisiphani
30 letters, 30 days... Day 10- To someone I don't talk to as often as I would like --ROYCE
Someone I don't talk to as much as I would like... This one is my fault through and through I need to learn to actually talk on my phone instead of just using it as a tiny portable computer.
Dear Royce:
I don't even know how to start this letter so I'll just speak from the heart. (or type from it) I LOVE YOU! There I said it. You don't know how much of an impact you have made on my life. I really learned what a true friend and sister really is about from you. We have been through a lot together over the years and much of it I don't know if I could have gotten through it alone.
Royce you go far and beyond the definition of a friend. I still can't believe some of the things we've been through. Our friendship goes far beyond sharing the stage in some beautiful dances... Girl you know you go to bat for the people you care about, you make sure everyone else is taken care of. When I think of you I can't help but smile and sometimes cry. I remember you quickly jumping up to have my back when others seem to have let me down. You gave me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and some harsh words when I needed it. Lets just say you really know how to keep it real and give it to me straight... no chaser. LOL I appreciate that. Not to mention not having it when I lost my housing. I was about to cancel my classes, pack up my car and drive home. You told me no take my keys and stay here. You don't know how much that meant to me... Not to mention I could stay in school. I think I cried for about a week.
There were plenty of laughs and good times in those years. From being thrown into a water fountain, getting kicked out of shows the night before only to be put back in day of, to executive board meetings in your Palmetto dorm room, KART room, St. George...etc. I could go on. But I think the best memory is when I called you to reveal I was pregnant. I remember telling you that I was scared and not sure what to do... You just started laughing and I was so confused until you said... "Get this... me too!" I think that pretty much just made my day.
Although I haven't talked to you as much due to our ever so crazy schedules I know I will be doing better. And yes as soon as this dang leg heals up I will make my trip down there. My surgery (hopefully the last one this time) is done and pretty soon I will be able to travel again. So I will bring Takis down so he and Bray can meet. They are so close in age I know they'll have a ball, only thing is those 2 together could spell trouble, but I think it will be a sight to see.
L.O.L.
LOVE YOU LOTS,
Tisiphani
lets be real... its just me TiTi
Dear Royce:
I don't even know how to start this letter so I'll just speak from the heart. (or type from it) I LOVE YOU! There I said it. You don't know how much of an impact you have made on my life. I really learned what a true friend and sister really is about from you. We have been through a lot together over the years and much of it I don't know if I could have gotten through it alone.
Royce you go far and beyond the definition of a friend. I still can't believe some of the things we've been through. Our friendship goes far beyond sharing the stage in some beautiful dances... Girl you know you go to bat for the people you care about, you make sure everyone else is taken care of. When I think of you I can't help but smile and sometimes cry. I remember you quickly jumping up to have my back when others seem to have let me down. You gave me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and some harsh words when I needed it. Lets just say you really know how to keep it real and give it to me straight... no chaser. LOL I appreciate that. Not to mention not having it when I lost my housing. I was about to cancel my classes, pack up my car and drive home. You told me no take my keys and stay here. You don't know how much that meant to me... Not to mention I could stay in school. I think I cried for about a week.
There were plenty of laughs and good times in those years. From being thrown into a water fountain, getting kicked out of shows the night before only to be put back in day of, to executive board meetings in your Palmetto dorm room, KART room, St. George...etc. I could go on. But I think the best memory is when I called you to reveal I was pregnant. I remember telling you that I was scared and not sure what to do... You just started laughing and I was so confused until you said... "Get this... me too!" I think that pretty much just made my day.
Although I haven't talked to you as much due to our ever so crazy schedules I know I will be doing better. And yes as soon as this dang leg heals up I will make my trip down there. My surgery (hopefully the last one this time) is done and pretty soon I will be able to travel again. So I will bring Takis down so he and Bray can meet. They are so close in age I know they'll have a ball, only thing is those 2 together could spell trouble, but I think it will be a sight to see.
L.O.L.
LOVE YOU LOTS,
Tisiphani
lets be real... its just me TiTi
30 letters, 30 days... Day 9- Person I wish I could meet--LUAM
This by far has to be the easiest letter I'm probably going to write... My absolute favorite choreographer ever...
Dear Luam-
You are an inspiration to me. I just love your style, your creative passions and how you as an artist can paint your vision through the body of a dancer. I'm truly amazed by everything you create. I find myself watching your videos over and over; learning the movements and trying to embody the mood of the dance. I'm still trying to figure out your frame of mind when creating these wonderful works of art.
As a dancer myself I find myself wanting to hop on a plane just to participate in one of your classes. I love the fact that you let your passion move you from a corporate career into an industry that lets you express who you truly are. You inspire me to not allow the normal ways of the world stop me from doing what I love. As a choreographer our styles differ but that helps me to TRULY RESPECT the creative genius that you are.
luam.net
wildchildnation.com
youtube.com/luam
Respectfully,
Tisiphani
Dear Luam-
You are an inspiration to me. I just love your style, your creative passions and how you as an artist can paint your vision through the body of a dancer. I'm truly amazed by everything you create. I find myself watching your videos over and over; learning the movements and trying to embody the mood of the dance. I'm still trying to figure out your frame of mind when creating these wonderful works of art.
As a dancer myself I find myself wanting to hop on a plane just to participate in one of your classes. I love the fact that you let your passion move you from a corporate career into an industry that lets you express who you truly are. You inspire me to not allow the normal ways of the world stop me from doing what I love. As a choreographer our styles differ but that helps me to TRULY RESPECT the creative genius that you are.
luam.net
wildchildnation.com
youtube.com/luam
Respectfully,
Tisiphani
30 letters, 30 days... Day 8- To an Internet Friend- GLAMAZINI
Dear Roshini aka Glamazini:
I know that I've told you this already in an email... But I just want to thank you for helping my in my journey back to natural. I remember the days of going back and forth about going natural and not having the courage to do it until I found your blog. Back then it was roshini.net. I quietly stalked your page for probably months maybe a year before I just went for it and kicked the creamy crack.
You're so honest on your blog and I love that its not all about hair, you actually let us into your life. Maybe that's why I felt so connected to you. Or it could be the FAMU Tallahassee Rattler for Life bond that we share. Or maybe its our Praise Dance Ministry that connects us... (BTW I pray that your injuries don't stop you from dancing for too much longer.) Or it could be the fact that you're the type of person that if we lived in the same part of the Midwest I could see us being great friends.
You have sent me encouraging words and even prayed over my injury, and for me that's big. You're just such a blessing to so many people, and I thank God for you and your ministry. Keep up the good work...
@glamazini
glamazini.com
youtube.com/glamazini
Yours Truly,
Tisiphani
I know that I've told you this already in an email... But I just want to thank you for helping my in my journey back to natural. I remember the days of going back and forth about going natural and not having the courage to do it until I found your blog. Back then it was roshini.net. I quietly stalked your page for probably months maybe a year before I just went for it and kicked the creamy crack.
You're so honest on your blog and I love that its not all about hair, you actually let us into your life. Maybe that's why I felt so connected to you. Or it could be the FAMU Tallahassee Rattler for Life bond that we share. Or maybe its our Praise Dance Ministry that connects us... (BTW I pray that your injuries don't stop you from dancing for too much longer.) Or it could be the fact that you're the type of person that if we lived in the same part of the Midwest I could see us being great friends.
You have sent me encouraging words and even prayed over my injury, and for me that's big. You're just such a blessing to so many people, and I thank God for you and your ministry. Keep up the good work...
@glamazini
glamazini.com
youtube.com/glamazini
Yours Truly,
Tisiphani
Monday, July 12, 2010
30 letters, 30 days... Day 7- To my EX
This letter has been bothering me since I decided to do these 30 letter but I'm going to stick to my guns and write this open letter to you.
Dear ??? (Not putting myself out there like that)
What happened to us? I know its been a while since we've spoken but it took me a long time to get over the hurt. I'm able to move on and learn from it but the truth is I still love you. We had so many good times, and the dynamics between us seemed to be a perfect match. When I was with you the possibility of breaking up never crossed my mind. I thought we would make it through and conquer this world together. Once I met you I didn't think I would have to bare the burdens of this world alone.
You were my lover and my best friend. I could tell you anything, but something went wrong. You left, and skipped out on me. I was so bitter and angry I turned into the Angry Black Bitch so many people talk about. I just couldn't believe after all that we went through you could walk away. I felt if I helped you to accomplish your dreams, once you got there I would be right by your side. I also thought you would in turn help me accomplish mine. After all that's what people in love do... Isn't it? Maybe I had it wrong or read too much into it... But how could that be? We were together for years. Even with all of the anger that passed between us I was willing to give our love another opportunity to grow and flourish... Then you in your anger decided the best way to get over me was to express to the world that you despised me. Why would you do that to me? Of all people, I've never spoken an ill word about you. I defended you to everyone, family, friends, co-workers and anyone else who would and sometimes wouldn't listen. I loved you in every sense of the word.
In truth I got through it... the hurt, the pain and yes I have moved on. I have a beautiful son now who is my ray of sunshine. My blessing from God. I'm doing what I love and having fun. No I don't have a special someone in my life right now, but I know all good things come from God. In time the man for me will arrive. I'm in no rush to be in another relationship, but this dating things has gotten to be kind of fun. I've done something I didn't think I would be able to do again. I've opened myself up for love. I finally realized you didn't take everything I have to offer, you only took a piece of me. You can have it, treasure it... because I don't want it back. I realize that hole that was in my heart had to be filled with a love of self. Yes I have once again found me and damn it I'm the SHIT. Okay so that was a little self centered but its true. I almost forgot how beautiful I could be, I almost forgot that I have so much love to give. I almost kept it to myself, but that's not fair. I need to love and let someone love me.
I just needed to get this off of my chest, but more so I wanted to thank you. For being the man for me at that time in my life. I want to thank you for all the life lessons you taught me during and after our relationship. I know that when I get married (Can you believe I want to get married) I will make someone a great wife. I'm a strong woman who is independent yes... but I'm willing to be a helpmate. This is what I was created to be. Strong enough to hold up my man when he needs it... but also soft enough to allow him to hold me.
Thanks for the lessons,
Tisiphani
Dear ??? (Not putting myself out there like that)
What happened to us? I know its been a while since we've spoken but it took me a long time to get over the hurt. I'm able to move on and learn from it but the truth is I still love you. We had so many good times, and the dynamics between us seemed to be a perfect match. When I was with you the possibility of breaking up never crossed my mind. I thought we would make it through and conquer this world together. Once I met you I didn't think I would have to bare the burdens of this world alone.
You were my lover and my best friend. I could tell you anything, but something went wrong. You left, and skipped out on me. I was so bitter and angry I turned into the Angry Black Bitch so many people talk about. I just couldn't believe after all that we went through you could walk away. I felt if I helped you to accomplish your dreams, once you got there I would be right by your side. I also thought you would in turn help me accomplish mine. After all that's what people in love do... Isn't it? Maybe I had it wrong or read too much into it... But how could that be? We were together for years. Even with all of the anger that passed between us I was willing to give our love another opportunity to grow and flourish... Then you in your anger decided the best way to get over me was to express to the world that you despised me. Why would you do that to me? Of all people, I've never spoken an ill word about you. I defended you to everyone, family, friends, co-workers and anyone else who would and sometimes wouldn't listen. I loved you in every sense of the word.
In truth I got through it... the hurt, the pain and yes I have moved on. I have a beautiful son now who is my ray of sunshine. My blessing from God. I'm doing what I love and having fun. No I don't have a special someone in my life right now, but I know all good things come from God. In time the man for me will arrive. I'm in no rush to be in another relationship, but this dating things has gotten to be kind of fun. I've done something I didn't think I would be able to do again. I've opened myself up for love. I finally realized you didn't take everything I have to offer, you only took a piece of me. You can have it, treasure it... because I don't want it back. I realize that hole that was in my heart had to be filled with a love of self. Yes I have once again found me and damn it I'm the SHIT. Okay so that was a little self centered but its true. I almost forgot how beautiful I could be, I almost forgot that I have so much love to give. I almost kept it to myself, but that's not fair. I need to love and let someone love me.
I just needed to get this off of my chest, but more so I wanted to thank you. For being the man for me at that time in my life. I want to thank you for all the life lessons you taught me during and after our relationship. I know that when I get married (Can you believe I want to get married) I will make someone a great wife. I'm a strong woman who is independent yes... but I'm willing to be a helpmate. This is what I was created to be. Strong enough to hold up my man when he needs it... but also soft enough to allow him to hold me.
Thanks for the lessons,
Tisiphani
30 letters, 30 days... Day 6- To a Stranger
Dear Stranger:
I've never met you but because of the love of Christ I still love you. That's the reason when I pass you on the street I say hello, and ask you about your day. I smile and pray your day is going well. No I'm not just some random crazy off the street but if you are I still love you. If you need something just ask. If its in my power to give I will do so.
But I have always wanted to know: What has happened that has caused you to be so angry? What burden has this world placed on your shoulder that you can't raise your head up and put a smile on your face? What has you so disgruntled that you must tote a gun and not care who's life you take? I know this may not be my business but I've seen too many of God's beautiful creations taken out by gun fire, too many precious little children hit by stray bullets never allowed to reach their full potential. Too many creative genius minds taken out of this world before they can give their true message and its not fair. So I ask... What will it take to make you change your ways? What must I do to convince you that this is not the way? What must I do to help you realize that by killing those around you... you're only killing yourself? How can I help you to see that there is a better way? Maybe I have too many questions and you don't have all the answers but know this I'm praying for you. Yes you! I don't need to know you're name, because you're still a child of God's. He knows who I'm talking about. I just pray that one day you'll join me and fall on your knees and ask our God in heaven to help you change your ways. Before the violence of this world takes you too.
Yes I love you,
Tisiphani
I've never met you but because of the love of Christ I still love you. That's the reason when I pass you on the street I say hello, and ask you about your day. I smile and pray your day is going well. No I'm not just some random crazy off the street but if you are I still love you. If you need something just ask. If its in my power to give I will do so.
But I have always wanted to know: What has happened that has caused you to be so angry? What burden has this world placed on your shoulder that you can't raise your head up and put a smile on your face? What has you so disgruntled that you must tote a gun and not care who's life you take? I know this may not be my business but I've seen too many of God's beautiful creations taken out by gun fire, too many precious little children hit by stray bullets never allowed to reach their full potential. Too many creative genius minds taken out of this world before they can give their true message and its not fair. So I ask... What will it take to make you change your ways? What must I do to convince you that this is not the way? What must I do to help you realize that by killing those around you... you're only killing yourself? How can I help you to see that there is a better way? Maybe I have too many questions and you don't have all the answers but know this I'm praying for you. Yes you! I don't need to know you're name, because you're still a child of God's. He knows who I'm talking about. I just pray that one day you'll join me and fall on your knees and ask our God in heaven to help you change your ways. Before the violence of this world takes you too.
Yes I love you,
Tisiphani
30 letters, 30 days... Day 5- To my DREAMS
To my dreams:
I've put you on hold and left you alone on the back burner. Waiting on the day I can bring you out and show you off. Don't worry I haven't forgotten about you, its just that life sort of got in the way. I had to worry about bills and baby's well being, but I haven't forgotten about you. I'm actually preparing a place for you right out front. I'm laying the ground work for you to be seen by more than just me.
My dance studio is coming. I know its been a long time since I've talked about it, and my injury really put things on hold. Forcing me to push my soft opening of my small Brown Deer space to next Spring (Lord Willing). This is my biggest dream and I'm not giving up, ever. Dance is my passion its what gets me through the good and bad times. Teaching others is where I get my high... sharing this gift with others is how I testify. Maybe that's an odd way to say how much I love to share my gift... But if you don't use it you'll lose it.
My dreams aren't just for sleep... and I'm willing to share.
Tisiphani
I've put you on hold and left you alone on the back burner. Waiting on the day I can bring you out and show you off. Don't worry I haven't forgotten about you, its just that life sort of got in the way. I had to worry about bills and baby's well being, but I haven't forgotten about you. I'm actually preparing a place for you right out front. I'm laying the ground work for you to be seen by more than just me.
My dance studio is coming. I know its been a long time since I've talked about it, and my injury really put things on hold. Forcing me to push my soft opening of my small Brown Deer space to next Spring (Lord Willing). This is my biggest dream and I'm not giving up, ever. Dance is my passion its what gets me through the good and bad times. Teaching others is where I get my high... sharing this gift with others is how I testify. Maybe that's an odd way to say how much I love to share my gift... But if you don't use it you'll lose it.
My dreams aren't just for sleep... and I'm willing to share.
Tisiphani
30 letters, 30 days... Day 4_ To my brother & sisters... ALL OF THEM
My brothers:
I love you both so much. When we were young it seemed as though I was so much older than you both. 4/5 years seems like so much until everyone is over the age of 21. Now its all about love and respect.
My big/lil bro:
So many people wonder why I call you that but if they saw us standing next to one another they would understand. I just want to let you know how proud I am of you. You are a beautiful son, brother, husband and father. You have been through so much and kept the faith the entire time... This is another reason I look up to you. Not just because you're taller than me...
My baby bro... Boopie:
Yeah I don't care how grown you get you're still my Boopie. We fight so much, but I know its only because we're both so strong willed. Out of all our siblings we may be the most alike. You tell anyone that and I will deny I said it. Seriously we fight so hard but its all in love. You may have baby boy syndrome but I love you anyway.
My other bro:
What can I say -- I don't know you at all. Its not our fault though, Papa was a rolling stone. My only hope is that one day we can at least meet one another. All I know about you is your name.
My Big sister:
I really don't know what the hell I ever did to you. You never liked or accepted me as your sister, but guess what I FORGIVE YOU. I haven't spoken to you in 15 years, and that was my choice. Not my mom's and not OUR dad's... MINE. I just didn't like putting myself out there trying to be the perfect baby sister, and have you belittle me and treat me like some sort of step child. I wasn't the step kid... YOU WERE, but I never treated you that way. I won't go into everything... but I just need to know I FORGIVE YOU.
My other sister:
Our paths cross every once in a while, and I still love you. I hope that as we grow as women we'll develop a closer relationship. I know I act like I don't care one way or another but I love and miss you too. Our kids are getting older and I think its time for a playdate... What do you think?
Love your sister,
Tisiphani
I love you both so much. When we were young it seemed as though I was so much older than you both. 4/5 years seems like so much until everyone is over the age of 21. Now its all about love and respect.
My big/lil bro:
So many people wonder why I call you that but if they saw us standing next to one another they would understand. I just want to let you know how proud I am of you. You are a beautiful son, brother, husband and father. You have been through so much and kept the faith the entire time... This is another reason I look up to you. Not just because you're taller than me...
My baby bro... Boopie:
Yeah I don't care how grown you get you're still my Boopie. We fight so much, but I know its only because we're both so strong willed. Out of all our siblings we may be the most alike. You tell anyone that and I will deny I said it. Seriously we fight so hard but its all in love. You may have baby boy syndrome but I love you anyway.
My other bro:
What can I say -- I don't know you at all. Its not our fault though, Papa was a rolling stone. My only hope is that one day we can at least meet one another. All I know about you is your name.
My Big sister:
I really don't know what the hell I ever did to you. You never liked or accepted me as your sister, but guess what I FORGIVE YOU. I haven't spoken to you in 15 years, and that was my choice. Not my mom's and not OUR dad's... MINE. I just didn't like putting myself out there trying to be the perfect baby sister, and have you belittle me and treat me like some sort of step child. I wasn't the step kid... YOU WERE, but I never treated you that way. I won't go into everything... but I just need to know I FORGIVE YOU.
My other sister:
Our paths cross every once in a while, and I still love you. I hope that as we grow as women we'll develop a closer relationship. I know I act like I don't care one way or another but I love and miss you too. Our kids are getting older and I think its time for a playdate... What do you think?
Love your sister,
Tisiphani
Thursday, July 8, 2010
30 Letters, 30 days... Day 3_ To my parents
Dear Parents:
I was trying to figure out how to write you guys together. Lord knows you're totally different people. I mean sometimes I wonder how you got together in the first place, then I realize it may have only been to create me and my brothers and for that I am thankful. You guys separated a while ago and I never told how upset I was... It really bothered me that my family was no longer together. I was crushed. There weren't very many people in my classes that had 2 parents in the home, but I was one of the lucky ones. I realized that.
At one point I was daddy's girl, his baby girl. Daddy you made sure I was safe, and happy. Don't get me wrong, you didn't have to be so hard all the time. I knew why you did it though, you wanted me to have more. Saw my potential even at a young age. Tisiphani... Is the name you gave me. I realized after looking it up, why it was so important for me to be called by the name one of the Erinyes. But dad I've always wanted to know... What happened? You not only left mom, but you left me? I was the baby girl. Your youngest daughter and you left me at the time I needed you most. I had just started dating and could have used my dad's guidance. Not just the passing advice you would give as you would call ever 3 months... But I needed my daddy. Even now... You live down the street and I barely see you. My son only knows you as "Pee-Paw... on the wall". That's not fair. I know you thought mom was telling us about you and what you were going through but, to be fair she never did. I only found out the truth about the past recently as an adult, and I still don't care. You're my dad and that will never change.
Mom I thank you for your strength and determination as a child. I really needed that. You struggled after daddy left, but hell I thought we were rich. Eating cereal for dinner was a fun treat for me... I didn't know it was all we had. Your love made me feel like I could go out and conquer the world. In fact it still does and I'm working on that conquering part. Mom I just wanted to tell you how as much as I appreciate what you did when I was young... it may be time for you to let go. I love how involved with your grandson you are, and how you just want to make sure I'm taken care of. But I need you to know, you raised a great lady... now let me be a woman. I will never disrespect you cause you are my MOTHER... but when I say no. That's what I mean. You taught me to mean what I say and say what I mean. That's what I am doing. I know I do somethings differently from you, engage in activities you avoid, and am all around more outgoing... Respect me for that. Allow me to be me, to make my own mistakes and get messy. I know you just want to protect me, but realize this... You raised me so well that I know in order to grow some mistakes... I JUST HAVE TO MAKE on my own, but guess what I will learn from them. Mom I'm a risk taker, and yes it has led me to getting hurt. But it won't stop me from taking more risks and trying harder.
Basically what I am saying guys is I love you BOTH. For who you are, and who I am... I honor my mother and father. I just need you to honor and except me too.
Love your daughter,
Tisiphani
I was trying to figure out how to write you guys together. Lord knows you're totally different people. I mean sometimes I wonder how you got together in the first place, then I realize it may have only been to create me and my brothers and for that I am thankful. You guys separated a while ago and I never told how upset I was... It really bothered me that my family was no longer together. I was crushed. There weren't very many people in my classes that had 2 parents in the home, but I was one of the lucky ones. I realized that.
At one point I was daddy's girl, his baby girl. Daddy you made sure I was safe, and happy. Don't get me wrong, you didn't have to be so hard all the time. I knew why you did it though, you wanted me to have more. Saw my potential even at a young age. Tisiphani... Is the name you gave me. I realized after looking it up, why it was so important for me to be called by the name one of the Erinyes. But dad I've always wanted to know... What happened? You not only left mom, but you left me? I was the baby girl. Your youngest daughter and you left me at the time I needed you most. I had just started dating and could have used my dad's guidance. Not just the passing advice you would give as you would call ever 3 months... But I needed my daddy. Even now... You live down the street and I barely see you. My son only knows you as "Pee-Paw... on the wall". That's not fair. I know you thought mom was telling us about you and what you were going through but, to be fair she never did. I only found out the truth about the past recently as an adult, and I still don't care. You're my dad and that will never change.
Mom I thank you for your strength and determination as a child. I really needed that. You struggled after daddy left, but hell I thought we were rich. Eating cereal for dinner was a fun treat for me... I didn't know it was all we had. Your love made me feel like I could go out and conquer the world. In fact it still does and I'm working on that conquering part. Mom I just wanted to tell you how as much as I appreciate what you did when I was young... it may be time for you to let go. I love how involved with your grandson you are, and how you just want to make sure I'm taken care of. But I need you to know, you raised a great lady... now let me be a woman. I will never disrespect you cause you are my MOTHER... but when I say no. That's what I mean. You taught me to mean what I say and say what I mean. That's what I am doing. I know I do somethings differently from you, engage in activities you avoid, and am all around more outgoing... Respect me for that. Allow me to be me, to make my own mistakes and get messy. I know you just want to protect me, but realize this... You raised me so well that I know in order to grow some mistakes... I JUST HAVE TO MAKE on my own, but guess what I will learn from them. Mom I'm a risk taker, and yes it has led me to getting hurt. But it won't stop me from taking more risks and trying harder.
Basically what I am saying guys is I love you BOTH. For who you are, and who I am... I honor my mother and father. I just need you to honor and except me too.
Love your daughter,
Tisiphani
30 Letters, 30 days... Day 2- To my crush
Dear Crush:
I have been wanting to speak up for a while now... But for some reason I just can't bring myself to take it that place. I see you so often and sometimes wonder if you're looking at me or just through me. I know I always see cool, calm, collected and professional when I do open my mouth, but its just an act. I actually go into auto pilot just so I don't have to think about what I am saying... Too afraid I may blurt out how beautiful you are... inside and out. How your giving back to the community inspires me to do more... How your hard work makes me proud... Tell you how bad I just want to press my lips against yours or spank you on the azz cause your butt is so damn cute. Truthfully, I find myself wondering what you're doing, or who you're dating. Not in a nosey sense, but more I just want her to be good to you. If she adored you 1/2 as much as I do, I know you'll have no problems.
Its funny that its so hard for me to approach you, I'm really not a shy person. Hell I'm a professional dancer for Christ's sake... but dancing in front of thousands is easy when compared to a passing glance from you. Seems like I know so much about you... But I don't think you know anything about me. If you took the time to really get past the surface, my representative... Who knows where this could go.
Crushing on you,
Tisiphani
I have been wanting to speak up for a while now... But for some reason I just can't bring myself to take it that place. I see you so often and sometimes wonder if you're looking at me or just through me. I know I always see cool, calm, collected and professional when I do open my mouth, but its just an act. I actually go into auto pilot just so I don't have to think about what I am saying... Too afraid I may blurt out how beautiful you are... inside and out. How your giving back to the community inspires me to do more... How your hard work makes me proud... Tell you how bad I just want to press my lips against yours or spank you on the azz cause your butt is so damn cute. Truthfully, I find myself wondering what you're doing, or who you're dating. Not in a nosey sense, but more I just want her to be good to you. If she adored you 1/2 as much as I do, I know you'll have no problems.
Its funny that its so hard for me to approach you, I'm really not a shy person. Hell I'm a professional dancer for Christ's sake... but dancing in front of thousands is easy when compared to a passing glance from you. Seems like I know so much about you... But I don't think you know anything about me. If you took the time to really get past the surface, my representative... Who knows where this could go.
Crushing on you,
Tisiphani
Monday, July 5, 2010
30 Letters in 30 Days... Day 1-My Best Friend
To My Best Friend:
This one is probably going to be the easiest letter I've ever written. Yes I do have several people I would consider to be really great friends... A couple I would even call my best friends. Still this letter goes out to the one friend who has never walked away during a bad situation, judged me, talked about me etc. Yes if you were looking for a juicy story this is not the letter you want to read.
I am talking about my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, who died so that my sins may be forgiven. I have been through a lot in my life... and I do mean A LOT!!! So I have no choice but to believe there is someone who is looking out for me.
As the saying goes, God doesn't put more on you than you can bare... It makes me think, Lord you've made me into a really strong woman. For whom much is given much is expected... and I'm trying to give it all I've got. Its my life... I only get one, one chance, one shot to make it count. So Lord I'm really only writting you not to ask for anything, but to say thank you...
Thank you for dieing for my sins, thank you for your forgiveness and your blessings. Lord you have given so much, I thank you.
Amen
This one is probably going to be the easiest letter I've ever written. Yes I do have several people I would consider to be really great friends... A couple I would even call my best friends. Still this letter goes out to the one friend who has never walked away during a bad situation, judged me, talked about me etc. Yes if you were looking for a juicy story this is not the letter you want to read.
I am talking about my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, who died so that my sins may be forgiven. I have been through a lot in my life... and I do mean A LOT!!! So I have no choice but to believe there is someone who is looking out for me.
As the saying goes, God doesn't put more on you than you can bare... It makes me think, Lord you've made me into a really strong woman. For whom much is given much is expected... and I'm trying to give it all I've got. Its my life... I only get one, one chance, one shot to make it count. So Lord I'm really only writting you not to ask for anything, but to say thank you...
Thank you for dieing for my sins, thank you for your forgiveness and your blessings. Lord you have given so much, I thank you.
Amen
30 Letters in 30 days... Day 0
I just want to thank 2 people for allowing me to use this idea on my blog... Britnie K. and her best friend Chauncey B. Otherwise known as @iambak and @tuckfwitter on twitter.com
Its a beautiful idea and I know its going to allow me to get a lot of shit off my chest.
So for the next 30 days I am going to write 30letters.
Day 1: Your Best Friend
Day 2: Your Crush
Day 3: Your parents
Day 4: Your siblings (or closest relative)
Day 5: Your dreams
Day 6: A stranger
Day 7: Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love
Day 8: Your favorite internet friend
Day 9: Someone you wish you could beet
Day 10: Someone you don't talk to as much as you would like
Day 11: Someone who is deceased
Day 12: The person who caused you a lot of pain
Day 13: Someone you wish you could forgive
Day 14: Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15: The person you miss the most
Day 16: Someone that's not in your state or country
Day 17: Someone from your childhood
Day 18: The person you wish you could be
Day 19: Someone that pesters your mind- good/bad
Day 20: The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21: Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22: SOmeone you want to give a second chance
Day 23: The last person you kissed
Day 24: THe person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25: The person you know is going through the worst of times
Day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise with
Day 27: The friendliest person you knew only for a day
Day 28: Someone that changed your life
Day 29: The person that you want to tell everything to, but were too afraid
Day 30: Your reflection in the mirror
Its a beautiful idea and I know its going to allow me to get a lot of shit off my chest.
So for the next 30 days I am going to write 30letters.
Day 1: Your Best Friend
Day 2: Your Crush
Day 3: Your parents
Day 4: Your siblings (or closest relative)
Day 5: Your dreams
Day 6: A stranger
Day 7: Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love
Day 8: Your favorite internet friend
Day 9: Someone you wish you could beet
Day 10: Someone you don't talk to as much as you would like
Day 11: Someone who is deceased
Day 12: The person who caused you a lot of pain
Day 13: Someone you wish you could forgive
Day 14: Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15: The person you miss the most
Day 16: Someone that's not in your state or country
Day 17: Someone from your childhood
Day 18: The person you wish you could be
Day 19: Someone that pesters your mind- good/bad
Day 20: The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21: Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22: SOmeone you want to give a second chance
Day 23: The last person you kissed
Day 24: THe person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25: The person you know is going through the worst of times
Day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise with
Day 27: The friendliest person you knew only for a day
Day 28: Someone that changed your life
Day 29: The person that you want to tell everything to, but were too afraid
Day 30: Your reflection in the mirror
This is going to be interesting... I wonder how many of these letters will end up being to the same person...
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Turning off and logging out
In such a technologically advance society we've forgotten how to do one thing... RELAX. Even on vacation we're still connected to the world we're trying to get away from. Is this the reason heart disease, heart attacks and other health issues are going up? I'm no scientist but my theory is...yes. Think about it most of these diseases can be exagerated by stress levels. The fact that the computer is no longer a desk top stuck in a study area in the back of the house has a lot to do with it. Laptops, ipads, iphones, blackberries, etc all give us access to work, volunteer duties, and friends all at a moments notice. When someone asks did you get my email you? We can no longer say... No I wasn't near a computer. Our phones/computers/PDAs are attached to our hips... and we can't get away.
Do you realize the digital age is reprogramming our brains? Wait hear me out before you judge... Many people say that multitasking is a skill they do very well, but these days we have no choice. While your working, I know you check your facebook status and tweet throughout the day. Hey I do it too... Not judging here. Everyone who feels they need to speak to you have several ways they can contact you at a moments notice. So not giving your annoying aunt your work number no longer means you're free from her strange way of thinking the world revolves around her while you're at work. (Did I just vent right there... My bad?) When you're at home or out enjoying a day with your beautiful kids: Do you find yourself checking and replying to emails? Are you sending twitpics so that everyone knows what you're doing? Are you sending mobile pics to facebook so friends can see how big "Bobby" has gotten? (Who the heck is Bobby?) Why? Why spend all that valuable time worrying about the outside world when all "Bobby" wants is your attention? (Again with this Bobby?)
My challenge to myself is next vacation I'm logging off. (Whenever I actually find time to take one.) Join me if you'd like. Every email address will have an automatic reply that says "I'm logged off, try this again in a week. Right now I'm trying to relax." I know what you're saying its not very professional, but actually it is. It shows employers and clients I know how to seperate business and personal. I won't let business interfere with my personal life and vice versa.
Just a side note... The best part of the day is when I'm getting my son ready for bed. I log off the computer, put away the laptop and turn off my blackberry... At first it was hard, always afraid I would miss something. Now looking back I'm so glad I did it. Of course I miss a couple emails and calls and realize that someone eventually will be upset cause they can't get in touch with me. If its not life or death I'll get at you in the morning.
Do you realize the digital age is reprogramming our brains? Wait hear me out before you judge... Many people say that multitasking is a skill they do very well, but these days we have no choice. While your working, I know you check your facebook status and tweet throughout the day. Hey I do it too... Not judging here. Everyone who feels they need to speak to you have several ways they can contact you at a moments notice. So not giving your annoying aunt your work number no longer means you're free from her strange way of thinking the world revolves around her while you're at work. (Did I just vent right there... My bad?) When you're at home or out enjoying a day with your beautiful kids: Do you find yourself checking and replying to emails? Are you sending twitpics so that everyone knows what you're doing? Are you sending mobile pics to facebook so friends can see how big "Bobby" has gotten? (Who the heck is Bobby?) Why? Why spend all that valuable time worrying about the outside world when all "Bobby" wants is your attention? (Again with this Bobby?)
My challenge to myself is next vacation I'm logging off. (Whenever I actually find time to take one.) Join me if you'd like. Every email address will have an automatic reply that says "I'm logged off, try this again in a week. Right now I'm trying to relax." I know what you're saying its not very professional, but actually it is. It shows employers and clients I know how to seperate business and personal. I won't let business interfere with my personal life and vice versa.
Just a side note... The best part of the day is when I'm getting my son ready for bed. I log off the computer, put away the laptop and turn off my blackberry... At first it was hard, always afraid I would miss something. Now looking back I'm so glad I did it. Of course I miss a couple emails and calls and realize that someone eventually will be upset cause they can't get in touch with me. If its not life or death I'll get at you in the morning.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
HOW DARE YOU?!?!
I heard the oddest thing as I was listening to the radio the day after the tornados here in Wisconsin. The radio personality was complaining that their favorite show was interupted due to the weather coverage. WTF you can't be serious? Really this F-2 tornado rips across our area taking down power lines, trees and HOMES and you're upset you missed your favorite show.
Personnally I was offended and couldn't believe someone would even open their mouth to admit something like that. HOW DARE YOU? Is what came to mind. No I didn't personnally experience any loss do to the tornado but I've seen the video, the pictures and heard the stories. People's lives have been turned upside down, but you're angry because forecasters got on the air and told them to take cover. Which in itself is a blessing since the tornado sirens did not go off. This situation could have been so much worse. Does it take people dying to make someone care?
Your show can be aired again... its on tape somewhere. But the News Stations had all but a split moment to tell the people in the Village of Eagle there was a funnel cloud in their area and to take cover, a life or death moment... Yet all you care about is your tv show? Truly a sad day!
Personnally I was offended and couldn't believe someone would even open their mouth to admit something like that. HOW DARE YOU? Is what came to mind. No I didn't personnally experience any loss do to the tornado but I've seen the video, the pictures and heard the stories. People's lives have been turned upside down, but you're angry because forecasters got on the air and told them to take cover. Which in itself is a blessing since the tornado sirens did not go off. This situation could have been so much worse. Does it take people dying to make someone care?
Your show can be aired again... its on tape somewhere. But the News Stations had all but a split moment to tell the people in the Village of Eagle there was a funnel cloud in their area and to take cover, a life or death moment... Yet all you care about is your tv show? Truly a sad day!
Smelling the roses
So I have come to realize that people are actually crazy... the dog that barks the loudest usually has the smallest bite. Just because you're loud doesn't mean you're right. And just because someone lets you state your peace doesn't mean you've won.
Many times in life its the one that is quiet and constantly moving that wins the race. Think about it this way... If you're getting loud screaming and arguing you really can't move, work or get anything accomplished. So don't sit and argue with people, keep planning, making and achieving your goals. Life is too short ---I'm only stopping to smell roses, not to stick my nose in shit.
Many times in life its the one that is quiet and constantly moving that wins the race. Think about it this way... If you're getting loud screaming and arguing you really can't move, work or get anything accomplished. So don't sit and argue with people, keep planning, making and achieving your goals. Life is too short ---I'm only stopping to smell roses, not to stick my nose in shit.
The Truth about Baby Momma Drama
Its funny before you have children you have all these dreams. About marriage and how you will raise your child together... But this is America and many kids are born to parents who never take that stroll down the aisle. Especially in the African American community. I never thought I would be in that number. I'm smart, college educated, talented, work in a corporate setting and still able to pursue my passion... Alas I am in that number. I find myself wondering how people tend to not like each other after creating something sooo beautiful together. It just doesn't make any sense.
I've heard a lot of men saying that their "my baby momma just wants money that's why she putting me on child support", "she won't let me come over and see my kid" and my all time favorite "my baby momma is jealous of my new girl". All in all these men are trying to give people reason for calling the Mother of their child "CRAZY". These men want to feel justified in disrespecting the mother of their child.
I admit before I had my own child I too thought these statements were true... Women we are emotional creatures and tend to work from the heart... But now I realize its the fact that women start thinking with their heads once they become a mother and that's where the problems start.
Let me address the sayings:
"Babymomma just wants money that's why she putting me on child support"
--Really? My first question is Do you think clothes, food, shelter, doctors, daycare...etc are all free. Its your child too, what makes you think she doesn't need help. Even if she can afford to do it without you... Why should she its your child too?
"She won't let me come over and see my kid"
--This one is easy. Why do you have to be in her house? You don't need to sit in her face just to spend time with your child, take the baby with you. Find something to do on your own. She shouldn't have to hold your hand and walk you through a relationship with your child take some initiative... Take the kid to a museum.
--Then there are the mother's who are keeping themselves or their children safe... If the father is dangerous, abusive or in a dangerous situation, by all means take your kids and get the heck on... I'm not letting ANYONE put my child in harms way.
"My baby momma just jealous of my new girl"
--Now this one is a little more complicated. Since in some cases its true, but realize I said some not all or even most. People tend to use this one as a throw away. See if a woman can't have you she doesn't want anyone else to have you... Not. More than likely you are not God's personal gift to women, and she could probably care less about who's nerves your getting on. In fact she's probably happy you're out of her hair.
--Now some men say this to make things look good to their new girl. If she heard about you were still snooping around your baby momma, trying to be back with her, and still begging her to "GIVE YOU SOME" she would probably leave you too. But hey don't shoot the messenger I'm just being honest.
Don't worry I'll be turning this post around and doing the other side... That will be soooooo interesting TRUST ME!!!
I've heard a lot of men saying that their "my baby momma just wants money that's why she putting me on child support", "she won't let me come over and see my kid" and my all time favorite "my baby momma is jealous of my new girl". All in all these men are trying to give people reason for calling the Mother of their child "CRAZY". These men want to feel justified in disrespecting the mother of their child.
I admit before I had my own child I too thought these statements were true... Women we are emotional creatures and tend to work from the heart... But now I realize its the fact that women start thinking with their heads once they become a mother and that's where the problems start.
Let me address the sayings:
"Babymomma just wants money that's why she putting me on child support"
--Really? My first question is Do you think clothes, food, shelter, doctors, daycare...etc are all free. Its your child too, what makes you think she doesn't need help. Even if she can afford to do it without you... Why should she its your child too?
"She won't let me come over and see my kid"
--This one is easy. Why do you have to be in her house? You don't need to sit in her face just to spend time with your child, take the baby with you. Find something to do on your own. She shouldn't have to hold your hand and walk you through a relationship with your child take some initiative... Take the kid to a museum.
--Then there are the mother's who are keeping themselves or their children safe... If the father is dangerous, abusive or in a dangerous situation, by all means take your kids and get the heck on... I'm not letting ANYONE put my child in harms way.
"My baby momma just jealous of my new girl"
--Now this one is a little more complicated. Since in some cases its true, but realize I said some not all or even most. People tend to use this one as a throw away. See if a woman can't have you she doesn't want anyone else to have you... Not. More than likely you are not God's personal gift to women, and she could probably care less about who's nerves your getting on. In fact she's probably happy you're out of her hair.
--Now some men say this to make things look good to their new girl. If she heard about you were still snooping around your baby momma, trying to be back with her, and still begging her to "GIVE YOU SOME" she would probably leave you too. But hey don't shoot the messenger I'm just being honest.
Don't worry I'll be turning this post around and doing the other side... That will be soooooo interesting TRUST ME!!!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Praying and holding steadfast
I have been through some bullish in my life, and relized that it all is only temporary... But it never seems that way at the time... so this is what I'm remembering right now. God is in the blessing business. When you can't see it, and the moment seems dark... that's the moment God shows you what he can do. I am praying, watching and waiting. Encouraging my self and loving God for who he is and not what he can do.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
What a day
SO I just realized that I don't know how to keep my emotions in check I wear them on my sleeve. How sad is that? I'm 29 years old and still crying at the drop of a hat. Oh well... Its funny since I thought I was fine. Anyway here is what went down. I went to practice today just to talk and visit with my teammates. Only as soon as I looked at my team, I broke down and cried. How pitiful right. Not really, if I could only tell you how supportive these ladies have been for me it would amaze you... But I won't go into all of that right now. I'm still tripping over how this day, week and month have been playing out.
On my way to my post op check up today, I got into a car accident. Well I should really say that a woman who wasn't paying attention to where she was going ran right into the back of my brother's car... WTH WE WERE AT A STOP LIGHT. REally, really sad. My doctors were in complete shock and kept thinking I was joking. Sometimes I just laugh since things can only be horrible if you let them right... I just keep thinking there is a blessing somewhere with my name on it... HAS TO BE!!! How much can one person really take... I know I laugh about things that aren't funny but its how I cope...
Last week I had my first surgery to fix my blown out knee, on the same day my family buried my aunt... WHAT a DAY RIGHT?! going into surgery thinking about death... Not a calming situation...
I know this post was a little all over the map, but oh well I will try to organize my thoughts next time I put them to the page...
OR NOT!!!
On my way to my post op check up today, I got into a car accident. Well I should really say that a woman who wasn't paying attention to where she was going ran right into the back of my brother's car... WTH WE WERE AT A STOP LIGHT. REally, really sad. My doctors were in complete shock and kept thinking I was joking. Sometimes I just laugh since things can only be horrible if you let them right... I just keep thinking there is a blessing somewhere with my name on it... HAS TO BE!!! How much can one person really take... I know I laugh about things that aren't funny but its how I cope...
Last week I had my first surgery to fix my blown out knee, on the same day my family buried my aunt... WHAT a DAY RIGHT?! going into surgery thinking about death... Not a calming situation...
I know this post was a little all over the map, but oh well I will try to organize my thoughts next time I put them to the page...
OR NOT!!!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
So I'm sitting here just trying to decide what I should blog about first. Since this is the first time I've done this in a long time I thought I would just write what comes to mind. I think that I just needed to get back into writing some of my thoughts. I was really inspired to write after talking to my brother Oscar. He's one of those good black men who takes care of his wife and kids and just deals with everyday shit like its easy. We were talking and discovered that sometimes you really don't understand your kids. Even the smallest do shit that you just can't understand.
Like my little one who decided that he can do everything on his own at 2 years old... Really? He puts on a pull up but both feet are through the same whole and protest when you decide to help...
Anyway... More about why I started this blog and less changing the topic. I am at a cross road in my life. I am a professional dancer, dance teacher and journalist. But recently I was hurt while dunking. Yes I'm also a acro-dunker... Moving on, this injury has turned my life upside down.. No dancing, no teaching, no dunking ... hell there is no walking at this point. So what am I to do at this point? My family says I have a degree and to fall back on that and just enjoy life... But how do I enjoy life without being able to do the one thing that I love. Dancing.... its been a part of my life for longer than I can even remember... But now I have to just write, at work as a journalist and at home as a mom... So as I deal with all the ups and downs of this struggle I will write and hopefully these words will help some1 else...
By the way... I will not edit myself for this blog. Its the only thing that I have that I don't have to edit... F-this watching my words being afraid of offending some1... This mofo is for me!!!
Like my little one who decided that he can do everything on his own at 2 years old... Really? He puts on a pull up but both feet are through the same whole and protest when you decide to help...
Anyway... More about why I started this blog and less changing the topic. I am at a cross road in my life. I am a professional dancer, dance teacher and journalist. But recently I was hurt while dunking. Yes I'm also a acro-dunker... Moving on, this injury has turned my life upside down.. No dancing, no teaching, no dunking ... hell there is no walking at this point. So what am I to do at this point? My family says I have a degree and to fall back on that and just enjoy life... But how do I enjoy life without being able to do the one thing that I love. Dancing.... its been a part of my life for longer than I can even remember... But now I have to just write, at work as a journalist and at home as a mom... So as I deal with all the ups and downs of this struggle I will write and hopefully these words will help some1 else...
By the way... I will not edit myself for this blog. Its the only thing that I have that I don't have to edit... F-this watching my words being afraid of offending some1... This mofo is for me!!!
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